You Made Monkey Cry

2003-04-28T12:34:00.000-04:00

I've finally made the move! Change your links! The New, Improved You Made Monkey Cry.com

2003-04-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted anything beyond a couple sentences in a while, and I have nothing to say right now because it is, after all, the ungodly hour of 8 am. I'd like to recap everything that I've meant to write down but haven't:

I have some great ways to start a story, but I'm far too lazy and far too out of practice to start writing again. Instead, I'll list the halfbaked first few sentences to stories I plan on writing one day, one about a Volcano God, the other something about alternate universes :
1. The Volcano God was angry. This was not unusual for the Volcano God. It demanded the sacrifice of a virgin. This, too, was not unusual for the Volcano God. It was unusual, however, that the village below had run out of virgins. This angered the villagers far more than the Volcano God. Something had to be done and it wasn't going to be pretty.
2. John woke to the nun's screams. His eyes blinked open wearily. There was a two foot tall nun screaming at the top of her lungs at the foot of his bed. Normally, this would have given him pause. However, his profound hangover helped him bypass any further thought about the presence of the screaming midget nun and he threw an empty beer bottle at it. He had only made half sure the nun had scurried back into the hole in the wall before he fell back asleep. Any day that begins with a screaming midget nun
I'm reading the fifth book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, which I've enjoyed thoroughly. Anyone who hasn't read it should, and anyone who has should check out the hilarious Discworld Series (start with The Color of Magic). I've also been burning through books on my Audible account. The book I've been most disappointed with was Cryptonomicon, a book so thoroughly embraced by the geek elite that I'm left wondering why it sucked so much. It oculd be that I listened to the "unabridged selections" recording (apparently the only 1000+ page book they're willing to sit there and read word for word are things like the History of the Peloponnesian War) but I think it most likely is because it was longwinded, it tried to hard, and overall, it failed. I squirmed uneasily at the forced metaphors. I sat through the incredibly unnecessary and boring subplots (some of the character weaving was interesting, but it helps if all the characters are interesting). Then I got to the ending. It was one of those endings where you go "What? That's it? That's the ending?!? What the fuck?". I hope someone can prove me wrong on this, but you probably won't get me to read the book again.
I'm currently listening to The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis as read by John Cleese. I'll have to research this book after I'm done. It's a very funny book, helped by an extremely funny reading by John Cleese, but if Lewis believes even half the things he writes, he's a stark raving loony, and it infuriates me that anyone read this book and said "Yes, that's exactly how it is.".
A woman at my office is leaving on Friday. She listens to a soft rock station and every day, like clockwork, the song "Time After Time" comes on. As of this Monday, I will no longer hear "Time After Time" every day. My fear is that I will hear it. In my head.
That is all.

2003-04-22T18:32:00.000-04:00

Who Made Steve Guttenberg a Star? Does your Senator belong to a frighteningly secretive cult? According to this incredibly scary article from Harper's, Yes. Yes, they do.

2003-04-21T20:52:00.000-04:00

Movin' On Up Pt. 2 I had to pick up a few domain names for my job so while I was at it I picked up youmademonkeycry.com, so I'll be moving to there as soon as I learn HTML & PERL & plenty of other acronyms. Good thing I registered it for 2 years. I'll be sure to carve my name in the fireplace before I leave this place.

2003-04-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

There's an atrocious commercial that airs late at night on the Cartoon Network. It's for an album called "Kidz Bop 3", and it's a compilation of all the kid-friendly pop songs from the past year. Just in case this isn't clear to you, "compilation of kid-friendly pop songs" means crap, and not just regular crap, the kind of crap that weighs heavily on the soul. The commercial itself has kids singing and dancing, their voices replacing those of Gwen "I Fucked The Guy From Bush to Get Here" Stefani and Sheryl "I Fucked Clapton To Get Here" Crow. The dance moves in the commercial range from doing backflips in front of a blue screen to a little girl dancing to Shakira in a way that would make Paula Poundstone pass out from the sheer number of orgasms. The following is the track listing of Kidz Bop 3. If you have owned, enjoyed, or just passively listened to this music without feeling intense hatred for yourself, then let me know so I can track you down and give you a free trip to the Chandra Levy Resort & Spa:

Disc: 1 1. Complicated 9. No Such Thing 2. Dilemma 10. Heaven 3. Soak Up The Sun 11. A Thousand Miles 4. The Middle 12. Wherever You Will Go 5. Hey Baby 13. I Need A Girl (part 1) 6. Family Affair 14. Wasting My Time 7. A Moment Like This 15. If I Could Go! 8. Alive Disc: 2 1. Don't Let Me Get Me 9. Hero 2. U Don't Have To Call 10. Can't Fight The Moonlight 3. Whenever, Wherever 11. Girlfriend 4. All You Wanted 12. Escape 5. Gotta Get Through This 13. A New Day Has Come 6. Happy 14. Just A Friend 7. In The End 15. Out Of My Heart (Into Your Head) 8. I'm Gonna Be Alright

Now, I've known for a while I will have to kill the Dynamite Diva for her sins, but I felt it was time to weed out the rest of you. To help you confess, please read the lyrics to "Hey Baby" by No Doubt. If that doesn't break you, you're beyond help.

2003-04-18T09:09:00.000-04:00

Movin' On Up! I am now #10 in rank for "cock sucking contest", and I still believe the summary that accompanies it is among my best work. Keep linking to me and you'll get a share of the rewards when I reach the top. In other news, I still am only the 5th best source for Talespin Erotica on the web, which may force me to write another story. Also, someone from Poland came to my site looking for Masturbating Monkey Cock. The #1 site for this? I Am A Big Gay Cock Monkey's Homepage, which is accompanied by a picture that is hilariously disturbing. Be sure to check it out.

2003-04-17T19:48:00.000-04:00

Rumsfeld to America: Look How Much We Own You

The U.S. military's search for chemical and biological weapons is unlikely to succeed until Iraqis lead American forces to them, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday. I don't think we'll discover anything, myself," Rumsfeld said at a town hall-style meeting with Pentagon (news - web sites) employees. "I think what will happen is we'll discover people who will tell us where to go find it. It is not like a treasure hunt where you just run around looking everywhere, hoping you find something."

So...let me get this straight. We went into Iraq because Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction or was a pussy hair away from making them. I may be wrong, but it's probably a safe bet to say that he didn't have them at hand, because the United States was trying to kill him every chance they got, and he failed to use them. We've taken Iraq, haven't found anything except a few suspicious canisters of pesticide. So we're waiting for Iraqis to lead us to the Weapons of Mass Destruction that he didn't use and we can't find? It's probably best we focus on that "We're Liberating the Iraqi People" spin that's been all the rage as of late. Look at the puppet! Over here! Puppet! Looky Look!

2003-04-17T16:08:00.000-04:00

Eureka! I found my answer! According to this site, the size of the penis bone seems to relate directly to the mating habits of the animal that has it. Penis bones are generally bones that lay in wait inside the body until mating time, at which point they extend down into the penis and allow for long, slow loving that would make Sting jealous. The theory goes that an animal that doesn't live in social groups would have a larger penis bone, since encounters with females wouldn't occur as frequently as with animals that lived in close quarters. The long penis-boned loners will try to mate with the encountered female as long as possible in order to make sure that they'll be the father of its offsprings. Animals that live in social groups are surrounded by mates, and thus mating is more frequent and thus it's less necessary to mate for longer periods of time. The mating system that humans evolved allows the male to stick with a female for a lengthy period of time, ensuring that he's knocked her up. It's only recently that the all-night booty calls of yore have come back into fashion. The reason for the monogamy of humans seems to be the fact that it's near impossible to tell when a woman is fertile, even for the woman herself. So why do human males have gigunderous penises while the poor Silverback Gorilla averages 2 inches? The going theory is that when we decided bipedalism was the way to go, the length of the birth canal became important, and penis length grew due to sexual selection. I have to go do actual work now, but I leave you with: Racoon Penis Bones and their use in Dating in Texas

2003-04-17T15:38:00.000-04:00

I Knew I Was Defined By My Enormous Penis! Still haven't found an answer as to why human males lost their penis bones (other than Starman didn't have one), but I did find this very interesting page that tries to define biologically what a human is. It's definitely worth reading. Yet more quotes: "In males, the human penis is by far longer than that of other primates (and this includes the much larger gorilla and orangutan). No one knows why it has evolved this exceptional length..." "Human females are characterized by their enlarged breasts, their copious menstrual flow, menopause, and by their not having a specific seasonal time of ovulation." It's heartwarming to know that men, when it comes down to it, are defined by their enormous penises and women by their gigantic breasts and extremely bloody vaginas.

2003-04-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

Boldly Going Where No Fan Has Gone Before Only minutes after finding the religion of the High Tech Ancestors, I find an essay on the penises of Vulcans on "Star Trek" Some choice quotes: "Here's another of my pet peeves: why in heaven's name do so many Treksmutter's assume Captain Kirk is cut? I honestly think that by the 2200's circumcision will no longer be practiced. But I digress. " "Dare to dream: maybe Vulcans are too smart, too *logical* to ever start circumcising in the first place....Let's assume that they have a glans, and a shaft, and maybe even visible, hanging testicles. Why in the name of glory would they have two "ridges"? Maybe they wouldn't even have one. Maybe their glans is shaped differently. Maybe they don't even have a "shaft" -maybe the business end of their member is all glans. " Ah, I love the internet. Good to know that Leonard Nimoy is ribbed for my pleasure, though.

2003-04-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

Aliens Came And Fucked The Monkey So I'm searching for a reason why humans don't have penis bones. It seems that every other land mammal has one, with the exception of hyenas. My personal and obviously highly incorrect theory is that this would be highly inconvenient in the world of bipedalism. I haven't found my answer yet, but I did find this: Part of the manifesto of a religion that believes we were spawned from an incredibly high-tech alien civilization which they may or may not have gotten from an episode of Ducktales. In it, they explain how man was created by the high tech asexual aliens in a "High Tech Womb" in the Garden of Eden, but when Man started fucking and fell to heinous "Heterosexual Body Birth", the aliens abandoned us and we remain on earth a mystery that defies explanation. A few choice quotes: "Medical men claim that the greatest single problem when the modern female is in childbirth is that of successfully passing the enormous head of the infant through the birth canal. Many primitive women must have died in childbirth while attempting to give birth to extraordinarily large-headed children...the answer becomingly clear here? That our big-brained star sires, by injecting their cranial genes into the Hominids on earth, thereby caused big-headed babies to be born, even though the earth females' reproductive apparatus has not "caught up"? If not, what other answer is there for this anatomical discrepancy, which evolutionary laws would decisively say cannot exist?" "Man was not ready to change their Society, and were against Jesus, so Jesus was given a regenerated body and was taken 'Alive' in a physical body, up into Space by our High Tech Ancestors, to their spaceship" "Hence, when Starman, without a penis bone, mated with early Hominid or 'Homo' females on earth, he genetically transmitted this same attribute to the hybrid human race that was to follow. - We seem exposed today to a vast unknown that man's mind has not yet encompassed. We are perhaps on the verge of the greatest revelations known in history. We may learn, soon perhaps, that we are only one tiny part of a Grand Family of humans stretching to the remotest star. Is so, it should be met with revel and joy to know that we are citizens not of one world, but of the great and wondrous universe. We rest our case. Mankind is a child of the stars." "It is Time to understand that, Heterosexual Body Birth was the Original Sin of the Asexual Colony of Adam and Eve, and that our HTA do have High Tech Eternal Physical Life on Planets and in spaceships. Jesus and our HTA will return for the Millennium and the Judgement Day of our Caretaking of our Home Planet. Nothing is more important to Physical Atom Life than Balanced Elements, Selfhood, Sharing, Equality and Peace. " For further information, watch Starman and listen to Dan Bern's " song "No Missing Link" I'll get back to you when I find out the real reason why humans don't have penis bones, but I'm sure the answer won't be as interesting as the above.

2003-04-17T13:34:00.000-04:00

A Foreigner Into Kinky Sex? NEVER! "Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. "

2003-04-17T13:20:00.000-04:00

Are You More Chick or Dick? This article about the differences between the male and female brains is accompanied by tests that will measure your Empathy, dominant in the female brain, and your capacity for Systemizing, dominant in the male brain. Going into the test I figured I'd turn out far more womanly than manly, but here are the results: I'm on the high end of average as far as my manliness goes, scoring 38 on the Systemizing Quotient Test: 20-39 - You have an average ability for analysing and exploring a system. Systemizing is the drive to analyse and explore a system, to extract underlying rules that govern the behavior of a system, and the drive to construct systems. On average women score about 24 and men score about 30. As for my burgeoning young womanhood, I am at the exact average for men, 42, on the Empathy Quotient Test: 33-52 You have an average ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately. You know how to treat people with care and sensitivity. Most women score about 47, and most men about 42. Now that I think about it, I'd have to be the alpha male out of everyone I know. Which is pretty sad.

2003-04-15T17:11:00.000-04:00

"Inside a two-story freezer in a nondescript Maryland warehouse are DNA samples from nearly every person who has served in the U.S. military since 1992 - 4 million men and women" I shudder to think what Skynet would do if it ever found this stash. Who would've guessed that Kurt Russell was a prophet?

2003-04-15T16:40:00.000-04:00

You Made Monkey Cry: Your #1 Source for Fried Monkey Scrotum!

2003-04-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

It all started with Dragonball Z...or was it Cowboy Bebop? I'm sitting here listening to the soundtrack to Cowboy Bebop, which came in a limited edition box set of the series that cost a friend of mine almost $200.00 to buy for me, but now sells for around $40. On my Tivo at home sits episodes of Dragonball Z, Rorouni Kenshin and Inuyasha. I think I'm becoming an anime geek. But the worst kind of anime geek. There are anime geeks, the ones that revel in plant rape, that will scoff at you if you watch anything dubbed in english, who know what it means when a character has a myriad of wacky symbols in a thought bubble out of its head (no matter how serious the cartoon, there will be at least one scene where the character's head grows really big while it yells or has a snot bubble hanging out of its nose for any number of reasons), and will spend 40 hours building a replica Gundam Robot Thing. I am laughed at by this motley assortment of virgins and serial killers. The rest of society has decided that cartoons are silly, and thus anime is silly, which I can entirely understand. The vast majority of anime is either boring, incomprehensible, decidedly childish, and most frequently all three. So I have no excuse for liking what I do. I've come to the edge. Sitting in my room is a Netflix sleeve containing Akira. Akira, I believe, is the turning point in my nerddom. I sit comfortably on the fringe, but Akira is the looking glass, a point of no return. Soon I'll be writing Ranma 1/2 fan fic and arguing continuity in Hamtaro. There is no hope for me. Start recommending me shows.

2003-04-13T22:34:00.000-04:00

The Conjugal Visit Trailer. I wonder if anyone cleans the conjugal visit trailer. I highly doubt it. I bet there's a spot in the conjugal visit trailer that's considered the least unlikely to fuck on and therefore the cleanest. Because of this, it is probably the spot that everyone fucks on, and therefore is the filthiest. Maybe the cleanest spot in the conjugal visit trailer is the bed. Maybe prisoners don't overthink things like I do. Which is why they're in jail for murder and I'm not. Damn my lack of drive.

2003-04-09T23:51:00.000-04:00

Well, at least I'm #2...

2003-04-09T18:30:00.000-04:00

I've been out of the religion game for about five years now, and when you're not confronted with how evil you are on a daily basis (or at least every Sunday) you quickly forget about all the things the church says make you evil. So it wasn't much of a surprise when I realized I'd forgotten the Seven Deadly Sins. Rather than watching Se7en again, I decided to look them up and see how I'm doing. The big Seven are: Pride, Evny, Anger, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, and Lust. Man, am I fucked if there's a god. Deadly Sin #1: Pride Pride is defined as "excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God.". I prefer the definition put forth by the famed theologian Aretha Franklin: "Pride: A Deeper Love". Anyone that knows me can testify to the fact that I believe I am the greatest thing on the face of the earth. I don't see this as a negative because if I'm right, we all benefit, do we not? According to this history of the big 7, the punishment for pride in hell is to be "broken on the wheel". It seems to me this is kind of a "one-off" thing. Shouldn't the punishment for pride be something like being shown everything hideous about yourself at once? It's a sad day when the Neverending Story gets it right and the devil drops the ball. Deadly Sin #2: Envy Envy is "the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation." The fact that Carson Daly makes more money than I do makes my heart hurt. The fact that Jim Belushi has his own TV show and I don't makes me want to kill babies. The fact that Agent Cody Banks owns a car with six TVs in it that ISN'T HIS MAIN CAR illuminates dark corners of my mind that I didn't even know existed. So I guess that means I'm going to hell for Envy. I counter that with the above is proof there is no god. The punishement for Envy is to be "put in freezing water". For how long? And honestly, in hell, isn't freezing water a wonderful thing? Like the bizzaro version of the jacuzzi at a ski lodge? Hasn't Satan ever heard of the Polar Bear Club? Deadly Sin #3: Anger Anger "is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury." Finally, one that I'm not going to hell for. I'm the happiest person I know. This really, really annoys a lot of people. To them I say, go to hell. An argument could be made that my intense hatred for the rest of humanity could be anger, but I don't let it affect my own personal happiness and thus show no hatred towards people (except behind their backs. Hey, the sins say nothing about being a pussy). For those of you who are going to hell, the punishment for Anger is to be "dismembered alive". If you want to be technical, since you're dead and in hell, this is impossible, unless we're going for some weird greek definition of the afterlife. Beyond that, this is another "one off" punishment. Unless you get to grow your limbs off for another round, which is kinda bad ass. What happens when quadraplegics, who I imagine are a very angry lot, make it into hell? Are they remembered? Deadly Sin #4: Sloth Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Man, am I fucked. I'm so far beyond sloth I'm in my own category of "EXTREME Sloth", the kind of sloth that gets music like Offspring and Green Day played behind it while I do, or rather don't do it. At the end of a weekend, I usually have to scrape the moss and ivy that's been making its way up my leg. The punishment for Sloth is to be "thrown in snake pits". This sounds like more of a punishment for the snakes. Granted, they're snakes in hell, so I guess they deserve to be punished too, but to get some fatty constantly thrown on top of them because he watched too many "Trading Spaces" marathons seems kinda harsh for whatever sins a damn snake might have committed. Now, if when I went to hell, I got turned into Indiana Jones, then maybe this punishment would work out. Deadly Sin #5: Greed Greed is "the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual." Alright, if you're going to adorn heaven with fucking Pearly Gates, you shouldn't get on my back about my home theater system. The punishment for Greed is to be "put in cauldrons of boiling oil". I'd imagined Hell to be hotter than boiling point, but I guess I was wrong. Apparently being in boiling oil in hell is a lot more unpleasant than just standing around in hell. Go figure. Not that any of them have been related to the sin in any way, but this one just seems out of left field. Deadly Sin #6: Gluttony Gluttony is "an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires", he types as he polishes off a box of Wheat Thins. Don't look at me like that, they have the word "Thins" in their damn title! To be honest, if it wasn't for my rampant consumerism and general understanding of how it doesn't work in the real world, I'd be a nihilist. But man do I love buying things. And eating lots of things is pretty fun, too. So I guess I'm going to hell for it. The punishment for Gluttony is to be "forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes". To this I say: What if the glutton is Korean? This is like Thanksgiving. Deadly Sin #7: Lust Lust is the "inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body." The amount of cum I've spent craving for the pleasures for the pleasures of the body in the past five years alone would be enough to flood the earth. You can thank socks and dirty laundry laying around the place for your not having to build an Ark to survive 40 days and nights on my jizz. Who ISN'T guilty of lust? Well, since all of us are going to hell for at least lust, you should know the punishment. Lust is punishable by being "smothered in fire and brimstone". So...just being in hell, then? Satan's imagineers need to be fired. Conclusion We're all going to hell. On the bright side, after the first day, it's not all that bad. Great if you like snakes or are Korean.

2003-04-08T23:52:00.000-04:00

I was at the Dunkin Donuts Drivethru today sitting behind a man in a car covered in American flags. It wasn't the poor aerodynamic theory in place that caught my attention, but what he had in his back window. On a piece of folded up paper on the left and right side of the window, he had the following message printed: "HEY YOU FRENCH!!!! VIVE LES WIMPS!!!!!" I'll let this speak for itself, but I would like to point out that this man went back to his house, typed this message up in Word, changed the font side, printed out not one but TWO copies, went to the trouble of folding them so the message would be more prominent than the blank space, and taped them to the back window of his car...and "Vive Les Wimps!!!!" was the best thing he came up with during this entire process.

2003-04-08T12:19:00.000-04:00

Someone came here by searching for "anus licking AND marriage". It's nice to know the monogamy and rimjobs go hand in hand. Remember, ladies and gents, just because the ring is on her finger, doesn't mean you can forget about the ring that is her sphincter. Some other recent searches: "Does Axe Deoderant Work?" Finally, my lengthy post about my trials with Axe "deoderant" body spray has helped someone. Unless he was asking if it's got some pheromone-like quality that makes all women want to marry you just so they can lick your anus. For the answer to that question, you'll just have to try it yoursellf. "Cock Sucking Contest" Sadly, I'm only #20. Below the yahoo group LA's Gay Black Men 200 lbs Plus. More people need to link to me if I'm ever to beat that cocoa love party. "Talespin Porn". After all my hard work, only #8. I guess I'll have to write more. "Baloo let out a mighty roar and clenched the bedpost tightly as his newlywed Rebecca's tongue plunged deep into his anus." "pee on Saddam Hussein statue" I only include this because it is one of the many examples of something I don't even remember writing but I'm proud that I did. The little two sentence summary that accompanies my site on this google search includes the sentence At least Saddam Hussein didn't cowrite Bon Jovi's "It's My Life". As far as I'm concerned, the axis of evil starts with the people who cowrite Bon Jovi songs.:

2003-04-08T02:48:00.000-04:00

A list of completely unrelated things that took place recently:

I drew this, my finest piece of artwork ever:
I saw Eraserhead, and was truly disturbed. My interpretation, as quickly and sloppily as possible: Henry's nightmare world is representative of the conflict between commitment and, for lack of a better word at 3 am, freedom. The baby is the physical representation of commitment, while the woman in the radiator represents freedom. Mary once represented freedom to Henry, but once the baby is born, she disappears from Henry's life, further distancing Henry from the life he once knew. The woman across the hall could have been what Mary once was, but as soon as she lays eyes on the baby she cannot separate Henry from it. Henry's actions at the end of the film echo those of the lady in the radiator, although according to things I've read, the lady in the radiator wasn't originally in the film. So my interpretation is crap. Let's move on. The baby. The baby, some speculate, is a cow fetus, and Lynch himself refuses to comment on how the effect was achieved, possibly due to legal ramifications. Either way, the baby now stands amongst, the proud, the many horrible things that lurk in the back of my mind, waiting for me to let my guard down so they can suddenly materialize beside me in bed. Or wait for me as I come out of the bathroom at night. Or waiting for me in the distance as I go out to my car in the dark. They don't do anything malicious. They just exist. They watch me. Stare. Like those little girls from the Shining If any of you are unlucky enough to be there for my first hallucination, then be prepared to die, 'cause I'm certainly not letting the Eraserhead baby get me without a fight.
I forgot everything else I was going to post after I dredged up those horrible images. I'll never, ever sleep.

2003-04-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

For the record, Swordfishtrombones by Tom Waits is the most addictive song ever. I could listen to it on repeat for the rest of my life and never get bored of it.

2003-04-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

I've called you all together here for an intervention. One of our closest friends has been acting very strange as of late: not returning calls, refusing to show up as promised, and generally not being the same wonderful guy we once knew. I'm talking about Jesus. Let's face facts, he's really let himself go (do you really want to worship Inigo Montoya there?) We haven't heard from him in, what, almost 2000 years? We all need to sit the man down and tell him how much we need the old Jesus back. But to do that we have to figure out where to find him, or at least when he's coming back. It turns out this is a lot more difficult than I thought. According to the founder of Christian Family Radio (Green Bay's ONLY Station of the Cross, stay tuned for "The Extreme Prayer Hour" followed by "Churchin' It Up with Father Funk"), Jesus was due back in 1994. His explanation of this was so confusing that, if enough people actually read his book 1994?, the resulting deaths due to boredom, mass confusion and hysteria would actually ahve resulted in the end of the world. I think it is my duty to note that the people who read 1994?, according to Amazon, also enjoyed buying Clean Underwear from Target and Pet Socks. 1994 has, as far as I know, came and went. Granted, I'm the first to admit that Daylight Savings Time throws me off, and it may very well have still been 1994 if it wasn't for the fact that Ace of Base's "The Sign" is not the #1 single. I think we're all a little worse off because it's not. So, since 1994 (or 6 BW if you go by the Willenium calendar) has passed, Camping has changed the date of the second coming to 2011. But the world doesn't end until 2012, according to Exodus 2006, a website that predicts that in 2006, a bunch of us will gather in the Highlands of Ethiopia, where the end of the world will begin. Presumably because the Highlands of Ethiopia is crawling with Highlanders and as we all know, there can only be one. The prophecies as to what unfortunate disaster will befall the earth in 2011 are pretty scant, there being only one: Three, Asteroid, Strike Russia, 2011, 10 degree turnabout. Take from that what you will. I've already come up with a solution which is highly classified, but I will mention that involves throwing Bruce Willis at the asteroid. So far I've gotten nowhere in locating Jesus. But luckily I have a reliable source in Countdown.org. How do I know they're reliable? Well, it says so in their FAQ:

How do you know what the Bible says will happen? History has proven the unerring accuracy of Bible prophecy. Many secular events were foretold hundreds of years before they happened. Literally hundreds of prophecies in the Bible have already come to pass. So there's really no doubt about whether the prophecies dealing with the "Last Days" and the time preceding Jesus' coming and Armageddon will come to pass. The only question is when?

Unerring accuracy of Bible prophecy? Count me in! Unfortunately, Countdown.org doesn't appear to have any actual Countdown. Granted, I only looked for about 3 minutes, but man, they were an intense three minutes. I did find out, however, that one of the key signs that the end times are upon us is: Traffic. It kinda makes sense that the Antichrist would come out of LA. Oh, I slay me. I've given up on finding Jesus. He's obviously fucking around somewhere with fast cars and loose women, somewhere far, far away from the Christian Family Radio Network.

2003-04-03T15:59:00.000-05:00

I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America When the Founding Fathers authored the Constitution that sets forth our nation's guiding principles, they made certain to guarantee us individual rights and freedoms. How dare we selfishly lay claim to those liberties at the very moment when our nation is in crisis, when it needs us to be our most selfless? We shame the memory of Thomas Jefferson by daring to mention Bush's outright lies about satellite photos that supposedly prove Iraq is developing nuclear weapons. At this difficult time, President Bush needs my support. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld needs my support. General Tommy Franks needs my support. It is not my function as a citizen in a participatory democracy to question our leaders. And to exercise my constitutional right - nay, duty - to do so would be un-American. Ah, The Onion, where would we be without you? In related news: Senator Bunning of Kentucky, whose name sounds like a polite british way of saying "fucking", thinks that Peter Arnette should be tried for treason. If only McCarthy was around, we wouldn't have to deal with these clearly unamerican dissenters.

2003-04-03T01:15:00.000-05:00

Wow Download your Childhood. Get it while it's hot, folks. They've got fucking Dangermouse! Caw!

2003-04-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

It's all just a little bit of history repeating. Why do the undersigned sound familiar?

2003-04-02T16:05:00.000-05:00

I hope she doesn't take a plane when she flies to the top of the charts.

2003-03-31T18:50:00.000-05:00

It's time to take a break from all this war talk and focus on something that may otherwise have fallen through the cracks in the era of Non-Stop Coverage of the Conflict in Iraq. Namely, Chubby Checker's Website. Chubby welcomes you to his website with a comparison of himself to great innovators of the past:

Before "Alexander Graham Bell"...no telephone. Before "Thomas Edison"...no Electric light. Before Dr. George Washington Carver...no Oil from seed or cloning of plants. Before "Henry Ford" no V8 engine Before "Walt Disney"...no animated cartoons Before "Chubby Checker"...no "Dancing Apart to the Beat"

Now, I'll leave it to you to find all the historical inaccuracies in Chubby's chart, but I will note that Gregor Mendel is somewhere rolling in his grave. (What does grave rolling accomplish?) Apparently Chubby questions the very existence of everyone but George Washington Carver going by his odd use of quotation marks, and easily tires of capitalization and punctuation. Chubby goes on to explain what "Dancing Apart to the Beat", his noteworthy contribution to society is:

What is "Dancing Apart to the Beat"? Dancing Apart to the beat is the dance we do when we dance apart to anybody's music with a beat and before "Chubby Checker" It could not be found!

What? I've read that half a dozen times and still have no idea what Dancing Apart to the beat (See? I told you he gets tired of capitalization easily) is. He should have just said "The Twist". Here are some choice excerpts from Chubby's autobiography: "If all the people who have seen Chubby Checker perform through the years stood side by side they would encircle the globe many times over." He's nothing if not scientific. "And, no matter who among them was asked, there would be no question that Chubby Checker is the most dynamic, charismatic entertainer in he world today." And humble, too! "He is the only person on the planed who has had the same single record go number one twice in different years" "As a teenage, Ernest found a job opening in a produce market on 9th Street in Philadelphia. When he applied for the job, Tony Anastasi who was the boss called him Chubby." Not only is he a master lyricist but his command of the english language is incredible! Other fun and interesting things to do on Chubby's website: Check out Chubby's glistening, hairless chest on his very own American Bandstand trading card! But some of Chubby's very own Chubby Checker Brand Jerky!, with such wonderful flavors as "Young People's Flavor: Smooth Hickory" and "Invisible Strength Hickory: Flavor of the Forces" See if Chubby's coming to a town near you! That's a lot of "0th"s. I'm going to try to catch him at the ponderously named "President Casino Broadwater Resort-Tower Ballroom" in Biloxi, the town that even Branson laughs at! Chubby used to have an insane rant about why he should be inducted into the Hall of Fame, but I assume he's taken it down. Anyone who finds it on the site gets a nickel.

2003-03-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

The war has been won. The Coalition of the Willing, up until now, has been the guys who, when the going gets rough, say "got your back". This is meaningless. It took, of all places, Morocco to truly offer up something useful in this war. Something that could end this war a lot sooner than any of us could ever have imagined. They've offered us their monkeys. Yes, their monkeys. But not just any monkeys. An elite force of highly-trained combat monkeys whose sole purpose is to diffuse the minefields of Iraq.They do this, one can only assume, by running around until they step on a mine. But the way they do this is with such precision and finesse that the immense amount of funding spent on training these 2,000 monkeys is entirely justified. Actually, I came up with this idea a long, lone time ago, although not utilizing our greatest natural resource, the monkey. While reading an article about Canada's Drug-Sniffing Gerbils, I wondered why we just didn't supply our troops with a hamper full of gerbils. Whenever they came upon a minefield, just dump the gerbils, sit back, and watch the magic happen. Rabbits could be subsituted for gerbils if weight was an issue. If I had any idea what Morocco's flag looked like, I'd be flying it today.

2003-03-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

The scariest thing I've read in a long, long time: The Supreme Court puts Homosexuality on Trial. Canada looks better each and every day.

2003-03-27T01:13:00.000-05:00

I've had Gameboy Advance SP for a day now. I've had Pokemon Sapphire for two days now. According to the game, I've played it for 11 hours. Gotta catch 'em all. Even if it means not eating or drinking.

2003-03-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

Works great until they drop it.

2003-03-24T18:16:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for unbiased journalism, stop. Go watch some cartoons instead. Surprisingly, this isn't about the war at all, as that would be far too obvious to warrant writing this. Although I could point out that a scant 12 hours ago Fox News reported their reporter (and the military that must have been tagging along with him) found an active chemical weapons factory in the middle of the desert (which, I believe, is where all of Iraq is located). Shocked to see that no one else was reporting this, it took a whole 12 hours to find out that no, it wasn't active, nor had it been active for quite a few years. Responsible journalism at its best. But I digress. This is not about the war. Wait, it kinda is. Well, it's about the Oscars. I didn't watch, not because I have anything better to do with my time, but just because they're incredibly boring and incredibly random. Fucking Babe was nominated one year for Best Picture. BABE. The movie with the talking pig that isn't Charlotte's Web. So I was more than happy to watch reruns of Futurama. I do check to see who won, just in case a movie I actually saw and enjoyed got an award. And it turned out that Michael Moore won for Bowling for Columbine. Now, with the somber war-time version of the Oscars, I'm sure each and every nominee was warned well ahead of time not to say anything at all about the war beyond "Give Peace A Chance" and "Go USA! WOO! LINKIN PARK!", but Michael Moore HAD to have said something. And you can tell the bias of the newspaper (or at least the reporter) by how it's described. Here are excerpts from two stories I read: Story 1:

Michael Moore -- who won Best Documentary for "Bowling for Columbine" -- used his 90 seconds of speech time to rail against the "fictitious" president and the "fictitious" war. His comments were met with a smattering of applause and a chorus of jeers.

Story 2 (which was LINKED TO from Story 1 as a source):

A standing ovation and a handful of jeers from Hollywood's elite greeted filmmaker Michael Moore when he criticized President Bush and the U.S.-led war in Iraq during his acceptance speech Sunday after winning the documentary feature Oscar for "Bowling for Columbine."

So his protest was met with either a chorus or a handful of jeers, and either a smattering applause or a standing ovation. That clears that up. Remember, boys and girls, history is nothing more than what happened according to the guys who won. Oh, you can get Moore's full comments here, and can decide whether to chorus or ovate your response for yourself. And add more links to the above post to make it more interesting. I'm far too lazy (and busy, for a change).

2003-03-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

Websites Suspend Ads during Wartime A small number of online publishers have stopped running paid ads on certain sections of their sites as they react to consumers' sensitivity to the onset of war with Iraq. For as long as our troops fight to liberate Iraq, X10 will refrain from forcing pop up ads featuring a tiny camera focused on a hot woman in a bikini "for security purposes" on CNN.com. The little monkey that runs from side to side, inviting you to "shock/spank/shoot the monkey" is standing still in silent protest of the civilian massacres in Bagdhad. He requests that you do not spank him, although understands if you do anyway. The webmasters of virginassholes.com would like to point out that their banner ad featuring liquid running from a puckering asshole was NOT a tear symbolizing the tears of the widows of Iraqi soldiers, and to further rid of the notion that this was in any way in protest of the war, point out the words "See Your Cum Pour Out These Perfect Ruby Assholes!" They are adamantly pro-war and in response have added a banner ad featuring a chick with an eagle tattoo to the left of her pussy lips. Honestly, I hope none of you give the advertisement agencies any credit for being "tasteful" or anything, because the only reason anyone's withholding advertising is so the general drooling masses don't learn to associate new Lemon Pine Sol with decapitated Iraqi babies (shouldn't lemon pine sol cause some contradiction in terms that causes space-time to unravel? Shouldn't it be Lemon Sol?) And my local news radio station is claiming "Non-Stop War Coverage", but still has commercials, periodic sports, weather, and traffic updates. And fuck Colorado and Wyoming for thinking anyone cares they had a blizzard.

2003-03-21T16:02:00.000-05:00

30 Oil Wells set fire to by retreating Iraqi Troops That should satisfy the "No Blood for Oil" camp Dick Cheney's thrown his hat in the dirt and is cursing it up like Yosemite Sam. "Ooooooh! I hate them varmints!"

2003-03-20T10:15:00.000-05:00

Optimus Prime is heading out to the Middle East with his guard unit on Wednesday to provide fire protection for airfields under combat. Unless the Iraqis have mastered Unicron technology, then we're good to go. [Link via Metafilter]

2003-03-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

I slept through the war. Well, the beginning of it anyway. I turn on CNN when I wake up this morning to find that they've already bombed Saddam, but Saddam responded by coming on Iraqi TV (interrupting Iraq's favorite TV show, "Two Guys, A Girl, And A Hummis Place") and said roughly the following "Nyah nyah nyah nyah poo poo, you missed me." and then called upon his more able family to kick some ass. Now, CNN is saying that the Saddam that delivered the speech indicating he was alright was NOT Saddam Hussein, but a clever Saddam impersonator (he must kill at Barmitzvahs...literally). So since I can't find a damn news story supporting this, I will only have to assume that I will be the first on the whole fucking internet to make the following joke, one that will be made by everyone at least once in the next week. We have just begun to fight: Gulf War II: Attack of the Clones Obviously Saddam took my "Jack-In-A-Reservoir-Multiple-Santa" idea and ran with it.

2003-03-19T16:31:00.000-05:00

#25, motherfuckers. And my little quote is great. BEAT THAT.

2003-03-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

With all those Red Cross WTC Victim Funds stagnating, it's high time we find a new worthy cause to blindly throw money at. And I've found it, my friends: Stop Prison Rape. I wonder what color the ribbon for that cause is? My guess is brown and red.

2003-03-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

I've been busy the past few days, but not too busy to bring you: Giant Nose Fetishes.

2003-03-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

According to Defense Newsm Assistant Defense Secretary for Homeland Security Paul McHale told the house subcommittee on terrorism that the Pentagon will continue to develop the Total Information Awareness program. But it won't use the system. In related news, Saddam Hussein breathed a sigh of relief and took a cue from the Pentagon, stating that he will continue to develop weapons of mass destruction, but he will not use them. I'll take their word on it! [Thanks to Defensetech for the heads up.]

2003-03-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

The Art of Chicken Sexing [Link via memepool]

2003-03-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

Fish proclaims Apocalypse is near, Kevin Costner responds by rereleasing Waterworld The jews, in a bold move to show the christian community that they can be just as insanely retarded, have brought to the attention of the world a 20 lb. carp that shouts apocalyptic prophecy in Hebrew:

According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

Obviously these were not experienced fish-cutters to fall for the old "Don't eat me, I'm a magic prophet fish" routine. If every goddamned fish-cutter fell for that trick, we'd starve.

The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

My mistake, I probably should've had more faith in our fishcutters. Fish starts speaking in tongues, you kill it as quickly as you can. Been that way since the beginning of time. Unless, of course, you've caught Daryl Hannah. The proper procedure there is to take her out on the town for all sorts of hilarious hijinks. She just wants to be...part of our world.

2003-03-14T00:02:00.000-05:00

"Ben", as sung by Crispin Glover. [Link via Metafilter]

2003-03-13T16:05:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth Smart was found alive and well after being abducted almost a year ago. She is SO molested. In related news, her father looks just like Basil Exposition.

2003-03-13T15:21:00.000-05:00

China loves their little fatties (NYTimes Registration Required) As Asian cities get larger, so do the children in them:

Once uncommon in Asia, diseases of the heart and cardiovascular system are now the continent's leading killers. Most visibly and most dangerously for the future, obesity is spreading among children, bringing a severe form of diabetes and putting them at risk for years to come. Known in Chinese as "xiao pangzi," or "little fatties," these roly-poly children seem to be everywhere, the pampered victims of cultures that prize them as emblems of affluence and well-being. "We spoil him," said Warisa Waid, a Thai teacher in Bangkok, of her 11-year-old son, Saharat, whose father is an ethnic Thai-Chinese. "Whatever he wants, we give it to him. We don't care if it is good or bad, we just feed him whatever he wants.

So China is feeding their kids like Audrey II. And for all you ladies out there, get ready to wet: a HOT pic of some little fatties! As their men get fatter, their women increasingly need an alternative. My plan is coming to fruition.

2003-03-13T02:14:00.000-05:00

Since we're on a video game nostalgia kick, I present to you Video Computer System, a song made entirely out of sounds from the Atari, by the band Golden Shower. You can find the mp3 on their site, and download the video here.

2003-03-13T01:21:00.000-05:00

The Minibosses cover video game music. And I listen to it. A lot.There's much to be said about Nostalgia. They even play Contra in its entirety. Okay, kinda.

2003-03-13T00:52:00.000-05:00

Now no one would be surprised if the Beastie Boys came out with a song against the war in Iraq, as they've had a political message in one form or another since day one. Good thing you're not surprised, because they did. (lyrics here) But I think everyone would be surprised if Paula Cole, the hairy-pitted chick who sang "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?", wasn't found strangled in a Red Roof Inn covered in jizz. Oh wait, this was about antiwar songs. Well, unfortunately for us all, she came out with one too. And boy, it's a doozy. Some sample lyrics:

"Now wipin out the terrorists that's fine with me/but please don't erode our civil liberties/the america we fight for and hold so dear/includes a woman's right to choose/freedom of religion/freedom of assembly/and free speech like the song I'm singing here"

Now, I'd have gone off about how horrible the song is, but I was distracted while having a conversation about "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" with Tina and I must pose the following question: Is Saloon Girl the most fuckable historical profession? Honestly, the only other alternative I can think of is Temple Virgin from ancient Greece. Any suggestions?

2003-03-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact I hate reality TV and, honestly, don't watch a minute of it, I constantly have ideas about what should've happened and what new shows should be, and I felt my latest idea was brilliant enough to share with the world: Combine Fear Factor with Joe Millionaire. Make people do horrible, dangerous, ridiculous things and lie about the cash prize. Make them eat 10 lbs. of dried moose scrotum jerky and then tell them it was all a lie, no $50,000, just $20 and a handshake. Failed Reality TV contestants are going to kill themselves anyway, might as well give them a good reason.

2003-03-11T18:22:00.000-05:00

SETI@Home Project Identifies 150 Possible Candidates as Signals From Extraterrestrial Life The SETI@Home project, the little screen saver that searches radio signals from space for signs of alien communication and prevents you from curing cancer or anything useful, has identified 150 possible alien transmissions. My speculation as to what some of the messages will be:

We want you...TO DIE. Ah, pointless alien aggression, our old friend. 99% of aliens want to kill us, and when pressed as to why, they usually mumble something about harvesting fuel. Well, as long as we have Bill Pullman, we're safe. Or was it Bill Paxton? They're the same guy, anyway.
Instructions on how to build an incredibly advanced giant machine whose sole purpose is to send Jodi Foster to a space beach to dick around with her dad. Hey, aliens, the best way to get Jodi Foster's attention is to shoot the president. That's the only way she'll love you.
Bing Boom Bing Boom BWAAAAAAA Apparently aliens consider bad jazz fusion the universal language. What's a close encounter of the 2nd kind, anyway? Sharks? I bet it's sharks.
A/S/L? pix?

[Link via BoingBoing]

2003-03-11T11:26:00.000-05:00

You've Got Disappointment! AOL Time-Warner, the most successful and profitable merger in US history (see? I can lie like the Bush camp, too!), is once again unleashing upon the world the result of its corporate synergy (for those unfamiliar with AOL Time Warner's corporate synergy, watch The Other Sister and watch the retards kiss.) by releasing their own version of the digital video recorder, a market currently cornered by Tivo and ReplayTV. (Non-New York Times Link for you unwashed monkeys without an NYT Registration). With that much theoretical money behind it, one can only assume that Mystro (the name for the unit, named after the whale in Pinnochio, obviously, as less than 1% of americans would be familiar with the word maestro) would offer a level of service above and beyond what's currently on the market. Let's take a look at its features:

Not only can networks determine the availability of their shows, but Mystro TV prevents consumers from making, storing or sharing copies (something ReplayTV allows). Mystro also does not automatically skip commercials or even include a fast-forward button that leaps past one 30-second commercial at a time (another feature of ReplayTV.) While a program is paused or rewinding, networks can insert new commercials during the process or display them around the periphery of the screen. On the CD-ROM demo, for example, a viewer pausing "Charmed" might see a commercial for Special K or Pizza Hut.

Well, first off, if you watch "Charmed", you should be forced to watch as many commercials as possible. Lap up that shit and make it so I can watch my shows commercial free. But let's see, a PVR that can record only what the networks want you to record, will only store a copy of the program as long as the network wants it stored, no commercial skip feature, and in fact, ADDED commercials, so after you've watched through the commercials of a show, if you rewind or pause the show, there's ADDED commercials! Woo! The sad thing is the majority of america will eat this up like a retard, because they don't know any better. Get yourselves Tivo while you still can. It'll change your life, albeit in small, sad, but wonderful ways.

2003-03-11T00:37:00.000-05:00

The internet has once again let me down. As previously noted, I upgraded my Tivo to 140 hours, meaning it can store 5 days, 20 hours worth of TV. After fending off the sad realization that my life has not taken the path I'd envisioned, I was anxious to expand my horizons, at least as far as television was concerned. So I hit Google to find some sites that find the best of the week in TV. Well, there are none. All it turned up were Entertainment Weekly clones (and Entertainment Weekly itself) that want me to watch "Friends" or "Married By America" or some other mindless shit parade. Okay, I don't mind a mindless shit parade once in a while, but to call "Friends" a shit parade is being too kind. That slop they feed to pigs that's comprised of everything no one else in their right mind would eat all mashed together into a grey mush? Friends is what the pigs leave in the trough. So, in order to make the internet a better place to...something...I present to you what *I* plan on watching this week (all times Eastern Standard, the one that matters): Tuesday

2 AM - "The Larry Sanders Show" (Bravo) Okay, so a satire of Late Night Television starring a man who vaguely resembles a basking iguana may not be entirely appealing to you. But watch the show once and you'll be hooked. It's just plain fucking funny. Although you probably expected that if you were lucky enough to have seen "The Garry Shandling Show".
3 AM - "Connections" (The Science Channel/Discovery Science) You probably haven't read any of James Burke's books or even know who he is, but he has a fascinating way of teaching us history. He takes a premise like the following: Since a 17th century nobleman discovered he could light his farts, we now have the internet and then shows us how he came to that conclusion by way of the connections of history. This led to that, which then led to that, and so on and so forth. Worth your time, if you're lucky enough to have the Science Channel.
10:00 AM - Tech Live (TechTV) Alright, this is the first in a series of Nerd Shows that I watch on the definitive Nerd Channel, TechTV. I cannot explain it in any satisfactory way except this: Watch TechTV and Understand Its Power.
10:30 AM - Eye Drops (TechTV) Showcase of Computer Generated Short Films on TechTV. Ah, geekdom.
3:00 pm - Call for Help (TechTV) WATCH TECHTV
11:00 PM - The Daily Show (Comedy Central) If you don't already watch the Daily Show without me telling you, stop reading this blog.
11:30 PM - Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (Comedy Central) I hate this show so much I watch it every night. It's quite sad really.

Wednesday

12:00 AM - Giant Monsters (Animal Planet) Okay, so I'm a sucker for these retarded Animal Planet shows. This one follows Crocodile Hunter Lite as he runs away from Computer Generated Imagery representing the giant ancestors of modern day species.
7:45 AM - Solaris (Independent Film Channel) I know nothing about this movie other than George Clooney remade it and a bunch of film geeks, a crowd I'd run with if I wasn't always 15 minutes too late, cried about how it wasn't as good as the original, a stunningly unoriginal criticism. But I'll see it anyway.
4:00 pm - Extended Play (TechTV) TechTV's show reviewing Video Games. WATCH TECHTV.
9:00 pm - Good Eats (The Food Network) Alton Brown is a god. He has no equal on this earth. Watch his show and realize that YES, we NEED a Food Network, even if they're going to fly planes into our buildings because of it.
9:30 pm - Fresh Gear (TechTV) TechTV's show dedicated to cool gadgets. WATCH TECHTV.

Thursday

12:00 AM - Unsolved History (Discovery Channel) A nifty little show. Don't get confused by the title, half the time it doesn't actually try to solve anything, just recreate it and tell us why it's NOT solved, but other times it WILL solve unsolved history. From who started the Boston Massaacre, to who shot the Red Baron, to who shot Kennedy, it's a welcome alternative to the History Channel borefest.
9:45 PM - The American Nightmare (Independant Film Channel) A documentary examining the evolution of independant horror flicks. Count me in.

Friday

9:00 pm - A Cook's Tour (Food Network) The OTHER, equally good reason we need a Food Network. Tony Bourdain, a foul mouthed bastard of a man, travels the world, mocks foreigners, and eats their horrible, horrible food, then lies about how good it is. Well, I figure he's lying, unless pickled Yak really IS that good.
11:30 pm - Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) The man with teh marshmallow face delivers the only liberal talk with balls you'll find ANYWHERE. Watch it.

Alright, now I realize why no one goes to the trouble of doing this. It's incredibly boring to do. I apologize. But if one or two more people watch Good Eats this week, my job is done. Oh, the whole point of this was to force you all to give me YOUR TV suggestions. I will Tivo them all and if they suck I'm coming after you and your family.

2003-03-07T17:57:00.000-05:00

For the man who came here with a Sonogram Fetish, might I direct you over to Lisa's blog. She's a sonogram technician and encounters fetal scrotum on a daily basis. And then kill yourself, you abomination.

2003-03-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

Seeking Government Grant for Important Scientific Research I am seeking a grant in order to fund a study to see what would happen if I masturbated into an Ecosphere (hypothesis: would result in humanoid seamonkeys). If the grant is generous, I will extend my research to include what would happen if I masturbated into:

a reservoir (hypothesis: An army of clones, in the vein of Multiple Santa)
the LaBrea tar pits (hypothesis: Resurrection of the Wooly Mammoth and Saber Tooth Tiger, now solely under my control.)
the Shroud of Turin (hypothesis: The bleach gets those ugly stains out).

Any other suggestions as to what to masturbate into will be duly considered. If anyone from the industrial or private sector wants to sponsor my research, I will gladly write your name of you or your corporation on my dingle. Give me money.

2003-03-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

So you see, Delicious Young Prince, there's nothing you possess that I cannot take away. The Hervidos could have warned you. If only you spoke Hervidos. HAKUMBA MATUSU! HAMUGAI! ::pfft pfft:: One of my many, many unseen enemies took down my internet connection AND my blog last night. The jury's still out on who, but I've narrowed it down to either the 7 ft. tall shapeshifting reptillian aliens that secretly rule the world by posing as our greatest world leaders and these guys. It's quite obvious as to why the Lizard Men would want to silence me, but the other guys, the self-proclaimed "Dynamic Duo" have been going back and forth with me as to which of our blogs gets the weirder search requests. Feeling the heat, they obviously hacked my site in an attempt to silence the competition. Despite the fact my site was down for half a day, one search request was made before it went down, and it is the best one yet: Sock Universe Children Are Not Special Pity the poor children of the sock universe, for they will never be special.

2003-03-06T19:47:00.000-05:00

15% of Plushies Fetishists prefer "lightly spooged plushies" And when you're done with that, how about you learn the Plushie Language? [First link via Tina]

2003-03-06T19:03:00.000-05:00

The Trendy Girls of Tokyo Allow me to introduce you to the Ganguro Girls. Ganguro roughly translates to "black faces". Apparently, it is an attempt by Japanese girls to look more like "California Girls", and to that extent some accomplish this better than others. Some of them dye their hair blonde, others dye it brown, some wear blue contacts, but ALL of them hit the tanning salon to the point that they can't get skin cancer, it'd just burn off. Some of the lazier ones opt out of tanning and go for the makeup alternative, with mixed results. Apparently the high point of the Ganguro look is 6-inch platform shoes, which allow them to tower over the majority of the Japanese population (which doesn't seem to be that difficult a feat, but then again, you're not japanese) and stand out in any crowd. I can only see this as a natural progression to asians on stilts. So these are asian girls dedicated to making themselves look hotter than they already are? Count me in! No wonder I'm considered the 11th creepiest asian fetishist on the web (That is a harsh judgement. At least I'm not into tentacle rape. Yet.). For those interest, some more Ganguro pics can be found here, here, and here. And when I'm rich, I will wake up to this. There's also apparently a Ganguro Girl Dating Game in Flash, but I haven't had a chance to test it. I can only assume your character is an orphan with giant spiky yellow hair and a gunblade. Ganguro is a stepping stome to Yamanba, roughly translated "mountain witch", because of their similarity to witches from Japanese Folklore. It's Ganguro, but they wear white eyeliner and lipstick, and according to this article it's for ugly girls who couldn't pull of Ganguro. But, once again proving that the japanese are lightyears ahead of us, just as I discover it, it's already been out of style for two years. Oh well.

2003-03-05T08:49:00.000-05:00

March 4th is Fuckapalooza Down At the Lincoln Center! BE THERE! It was filthy sex story day on the blog circuit yesterday. Whitey shares with the world the beginning of his love affair with porn, but stopped short of sharing that he can't look at a person without imagining them at the other end of a money shot. Unfortunately for some of us, fortunately for most, often he doesn't have to imagine. As if inspired by the same fluctuation in the jizz-soaked ether, Tina proved the hundredth monkey theory correct and shared with the world her first foray into the wonderful world of selfpleasure. And shocker, it took place in the woods. What major life event in Ohio doesn't take place in the woods? Well, anyway, it's chock full of girl-on-girl action, so if you're not into the girl thing, go here. And while these two hammered away at their keyboards with their horrible sticky fingers, Lisa was at work reading about really sweaty pussy. The kind of sweaty pussy you write advice columns about. And thankfully, she shared it with the world. After all, what would orgasms be without sweat? And while the dynamite diva thinks she can hide her own story in comments and Boz ponders negative sexy, I think I round it all out with cum drenched felt. This post was typed entirely with well-aimed cum shots. Made possible by a generous grant by the CHUBB foundation, and asians like you.

2003-03-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

Sesame Street's Bert Touched Me Where The Bathing Suit Covers And I have the photographs to prove it. This photo has been on my wall for I don't know how long, but one day I came to the sudden realization that something was horribly, horribly wrong. Bert was fondling me. His warm yellow felt was careessing my innocent hairless boyhood to arousal. And I was loving every minute. I don't know if this makes me gay, or a plushie fetishist or both. And still, I don't have any recollection of this event. How many other muppets have felt up my weenis? I'm not sure how to feel. It's so cold. So lonely. Don't touch me.

2003-03-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

Observations of Birmingham, Alabama, and some lessons I learned in my brief stay there.

Time is relative. If you've had a little trouble understanding Einstein, then you should definitely venture out to Birmingham. I had the pleasure of experiencing hour-long minutes and decade-long days. Lisa would have to wake up at 6 AM to go to her sonogram physics seminar and, as a result, would wake me from my beauty sleep. How thoughtless. Sleep was the only refusege from the gray nothing that is life in Alabama, so once roushed, I would desperately try to get back to sleep. At one point, after much tossing and turning, I managed to fall asleep at 9:10 AM and woke up after what seemed like hours of blissful slumber. I turned to the alarm clock only to find that the time was now 9:11 AM. If I was on the Flintstones, the little Pterodactyl inside the alarm clock would laugh the laugh of kings, and then say something like "It's a living!"
Homogeny: It's What's For Dinner! There wasn't much rednecky about Alabama, much to my surprise. I was going there expecting to join the barefoot unwashed masses in some good ol' fashioned hambone, but it turned out to be much like my experiences in Florida: no one that lives there was born there, and no one can give a satisfactory explanation of why they actually moved there. It was just like everywhere else is like everywhere else is like everywhere else. You've got your Friday's, your Applebees, a Macaroni Grill up on the hill, and the local flavor that was recommended to us were two chain restaurants that we just don't have up north. I heard, maybe, 5-10 accents during my entire visit there, and the vast majority of them were in the IMAX theater. But before I get to the IMAX, I must preface it with this:
Birmingham is a fucking ghost town. The day of our arrival, we ate at the great Dreamland BBQ where we inhaled a rack and a half of ribs. After our meal, we decided, well, I decided, that we should walk from Dreamland to the McWayne Center, where we planned to see an IMAX movie. I wanted to walk, much to Lisa's chagrin, so we could find some other things to do, because after this IMAX movie, we'd be out of ideas on how to spend the rest of our 5 days in Birmingham. So we walked. And all Birmingham had to offer was abandoned buildings. There was at least one building per block that was abandoned, more often falling down, and in one case, caved in. In the 20+ blocks it took to walk from Dreamland to the McWayne center, there was not a SINGLE GODDAMNED INTERESTING THING. Not even a movie theater. Not even another restaurant, outside of a Shoney's. Oh, and I didn't see a single dog for the entire time we were there. The Phantoms-esque beast that had been devouring the town's residents had obviously started with their pets.
When IMAX is your cultural center, it's time to worry. For the ghost town that Alabama was, the IMAX movie was PACKED. We had missed the showing of "Cirque Du Soleil: The Journey of Man" (Foreign Release Title: Faggin' It Up Big Willy Style) and settled instead for a Harrison Ford-narrated movie about the fragility of life, and I think it was even subtitled "Life in the Balance", which says it all right there. It was the standard IMAX halfhearted message about humankind's ignorance of nature with plenty of giant shots of really small things and aerial shots of really huge things. It was here that the rednecks came out to play. The following things occured during this brief half hour:
1. A group of children in the seats next to us argued about who lived in the nicer trailer park.
2. An elderly woman a few seats down from us talked on her cellphone for the first 10 minutes of the movie, arguing with someone about...a trailer park.
3. Her child, or grandchild, who can I only assume was dying of the plague, attempted to clear his throat approximately every 3.1 seconds, the silence inbetween his attempted loogie-hocking was filled by the small container of pink goo purchased in the gift shop, whose sole purpose was to make fart noises. The end result was the soundtrack of the movie being the following "HOCK HOCK poot poot HOCK HOCK poot (repeat)"
4. A mulleted man in the row in front of us asked the black children seated next to him to show him "that secret black handshake y'all know". They did.
5. Grown adults, thankfully during the credits, discovered that they could make shadow puppets in front of the projector and proceeded to do so for an amount of time that would fly in the face of any sane theory on the amount of time shadow puppetry is amusing.
I am certifiably insane. I had a dream on the second day of the trip in which a little girl comes to me and tells me the most horrible thing that I've ever seen would appear to me if I opened the hotel closet. Now, as has been stated before, I'm a skeptic through and through, and I know this is ludicrous, but as soon as I woke up I ran to the closet and opened it. Unbeknownst to me, Lisa had hung up our coats (I'm the type who just leaves it where it lands), and the force of the door being opened made the coats slowly turn on their hangers to face me. In the moment between my abject horror and the realization that the dark figures turning towards me were our jackets, I came the closest to crossing the line between sane and insane that I've ever been. A split second more and my heart would've exploded, and no one would ever know that my massive heart attack was caused by Lisa's cleaning neuroses. This is not uncommon for me, one day I'll explain to you about the things that scare me most. This post has gone on too long with too few links as it is, and I've got to poop like you wouldn't believe, so I declare this case closed.

2003-03-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

Bo Knows Rap He just doesn't like it. Bo Diddley, about 11 years late to the game on the issue of incendiary rap lyrics, felt he should speak out nonetheless: "The lyrics are very disgusting because you are a person, and a person deserves respect," he said. "I have daughters, my mother was a woman, and I don't like what I'm hearing." Unlike many of today's outspoken, outraged celebrities, he offered a solution to the problem with some safe lyrics of his own: "Some folks say old Bo Diddley can't rap. I'm Bo Diddley and I ain't taking no nap." Now, before you start to laugh, I ask you to consider the following: If you replace "Bo Diddley" with "Mike D", you'd have a Beastie Boys song, and no one would complain. [Link via Metafilter]

2003-03-03T01:40:00.000-05:00

Sweet Home Alabama My Ass Not only did Lynyrd Skynrd completely miss the point of Southern Man, there is nothing sweet or homey about Alabama. Birmingham was an endless gray corridor that existed outside of normal time, with every minute a mundane eternity. That being said, the food was good and I finished two books and my Zelda game. So I guess it evens out. More tomorrow.

2003-02-26T15:15:00.000-05:00

Proof That There Is No God: You Die at a Great White Concert I think, in response to the club fire that left 97 dead during a Great White concert, a benefit should be organized: Hair Bands for Burn Victims All proceeds will be given to the victims, with a small share given to the lead singer of Great White as condolences for looking like Linda Tripp (or, alternately, Arte Johnson)

2003-02-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. Holy holy HOLY shit. 64 grams of fat, 2,090 milligrams of sodium, and enough cholesterol to kill anything that's ever lived. No, not John Goodman. X-E's review of the tremendously horrendous Hungry Man Microwaveable All-Day Breakfast! Not for the faint of heart.

2003-02-25T18:45:00.000-05:00

North Korea launches Missle. World continues to ignore North Korea. North Korea threatens to hold its breath until it passes out. The North Koreans, who really just want a hug, have resumed missle testing after a three year hiatus. And our response to this veiled threat? Mr. Fleischer, take the floor:

"North Korea has a history of engaging in rather bizarre actions and then expecting the world to pay them or negotiate with them to give them something in exchange for them stopping doing what they shouldn't have done in the first place.

Classic Middle Child Syndrome.Although if you're coming from the "Home Improvement" school of psychology, it'd be youngest child. Eventually, this will turn into Drop Dead Fred, with us just totally ignorning that North Korea did anything and blaming it instead on Phoebe Cates. I mean Iraq.

2003-02-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

You got Furverts in my Robot/Doll Fetish! You got Robot/Doll Fetish in my Furverts! Two Great Tastes that Taste Great Together! Fetishes. EVERYONE has one. And most of us have at least one we're not telling anyone about. Me? Well, to be dignified about it, I like me some big titties and asians. Now, I don't think those are so unusual, but it seems when you delve into the more specific, nonsexual body parts/actions, that we venture into the realm of the creepy. I mean, only a foot fetishist understands a foot fetishist. You'd have to be a chubby chaser to sympathize with a chubby chaser. And you're certainly not going to look at the guy who confesses he likes to watch women step on things the same way again. And yet, you will happily masturbate to some DVDA like it's normal as can be. My point is we're all filthy sexual deviants, but the impetus for this post was to clarify something: Men ain't the only ones with fetishes. In fact, I've never met a woman WITHOUT a fetish, they just don't call it that, they justify it by saying it's something they love because it's a sign a man is manly. Just the other night, Lisa and Tina were discussing how wonderful men's hand and arm veins are. What the fuck? If this guy had said that about women, he'd have to go door to door announcing it to his neighbors. But hey, to each their own. If I moved to some less concerned country, I would procreate and try to fuck my kids up in different ways and see what bizarre fetish/character flaw it results in. But until I can guess by observation alone, I can only rely on what you tell me. So, are you man enough to admit your fetish? Well, the one you can admit. You fucking sicko. [Note: This would rely on my comments actually working, which they don't seem to at the moment. If this continues to be the case, just shout your answer at the computer screen, and hopefully I'll be Jobe by then and will be able to hear you. If not, go to your window and scream out the name of the childlike emperor. Fantasia depends on it!]

2003-02-25T16:29:00.000-05:00

Ignore the proposed peace accord below. I have found the secret key to your wonderful, mysterious vaginas. Vaginii. Whatever, the plural of vagina. YOU WILL BE MINE! And I'll carry a harmonica around in my pocket so you know I can work that sideways slit.

2003-02-24T18:38:00.000-05:00

Why They Haven't Taken Over Is Beyond Me Listen, asian women, I understand your objectification as sex objects is unparalleled on earth, and I understand you're real people with real thoughs and emotions, and that men like me who turn a blind eye to these things cause you so much pain and heartache you go on Def Poetry Jam and yell about us, but there's something you must understand: you are insanely hot. And really, you're not making it any easier to be thoughtful by wearing see-thru skirts that showcase your panties Regardless of the fact that they're just photoshopped fakes of a new fad in japan, the prospect of supple young asian ass on constant display is still calling out to me in a very unfair way. And if I moved to Japan, I'd be able to stream porn through my cellphone, including text-based porn! Good thing it's hands free! So, Asian women, I'd like you to meet me half way. I will respect your mind as much as I respect your body (how could I not with such amazing math aptitude?) and each and every one of you will say to me at least once "Oh, it so large Mr. Lou, but I try to get it all in without crying too much". And then we'll take a rice bath together. (Pussy-Whipped Comment Alert: The preceding post is dedicated to my own wonderful round-eyed asian, Lisa, who in her heart of hearts realizes that I wouldn't go out of my way to fuck an asian, unless, of course, she wasn't looking, or was asleep, or if there was something in the room to knock her unconscious.)

2003-02-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

I caught Bill Maher's new show over the weekend and it was actually quite good. He called Ann Coulter out on the lying full of shit cunt that she is. Alright, he just called her a liar, but still. That being said, I'd still fuck her. Sarah Silverman had a delightfully racist stand up appearance, although to my shock and dismay, she is currently banging Jimmy Kimmell. There is no more compelling evidence that Satan is the main force behind hollywood today than Jimmy Kimmell's meteoric rise (do meteors rise? I never really got that expression but it feels suitably journalistic) to stardom. So, having tangentially breached the subject of racism being put under the artistic microscope, I present to you the Bubble Sisters the korean pop sensations that perform for the masses in blackface. I won't get into it any deeper than this: it only makes them hotter. [Last Link via Metafilter]

2003-02-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days that makes me glad to be a consumer. I recieved my 120 GB Upgrade to my Hughes DirecTivo 2 from Weaknees.com, which means I can now record 140 hours of television, or 5 days, 20 hours. This means I am one step closer to becoming the Lawnmower Man, a goal which, once achieved, will result in me strangling you all with gas pumps. I also recieved my copy of Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Master Quest, the promotional disc that precedes Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, so my inner nerd has been thoroughly masturbated and is salivating at the prospect of enjoying it all tonight. Ah, the wonders of geekdom.

2003-02-21T16:45:00.000-05:00

Defense Tech is the most useful/sane site I've seen so far among the war blogs that number in the millions these days.It's definitely going in my daily reads. Should put it in yours, too, ya fuckin loon.

2003-02-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

Were you one of those people who ran out and bought up all the duct tape and plastic you could find? In case you didn't know it already, You're Fucking Retarded.

2003-02-21T08:55:00.000-05:00

Taking a cue from Huey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow, Bush and Blair share a touching duet. But what would Al think? [Link via Tales of Hoffman via Boing Boing]

2003-02-21T08:33:00.000-05:00

Face the facts: Celebrities are better than you. In every way imaginable. They're better looking, have more money, have fucked more than you ever will, and a little known fact: celebrity love is purer and more deep than any of us plebes could ever fathom. I think that has something to do with Scientology, but I'm not sure. I'll look into it. You open up America's foremost literary journal, US Weekly, and thumbing through sections like "Stars and their Cars" and "Stars: They're Just Like Us!", you sink deeper into your funk, realizing that if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, less than a hundred people would show up at your funeral, Elton John wouldn't write a song about you, and your hairstylist would not be on "Behind the Music" the next month talking about how there's one more star in the heavens these days, and my oh my, does it shine bright There is one thing that can make us working class stiffs feel better about ourselves: Celebrity Gossip! Yes, your life may be utterly mundane and bereft of meaning, but at least you're not Gary Busey! Need a little boost about how you're swinging down there? Compare yourself with the cocks of rock stars! You may still have to write adult N'Sync fan fiction without ever truly knowing the size of Lance's cock, but you can always get started on your Sugar Ray fan fiction now that you know you can floss with him! Don't have a penis? Well, you don't have herpes either. Robin Williams does! HE just hides it underneath the mounds of mounds of hair. And really, who doesn't enjoy seeing a celebrity hit rock bottom? Take solace in the fact that, for all the times you were drugged up and your poor mother had to drag you off the front lawn, there's not THAT many photos, and it's not like you'll be running for public office any time soon. Otherwise those convictions might come back to haunt you. Fucking Matthew McConaughey looks better than I do even when drugged up with cuffs on. If you don't feel better about the endless gray corridor that is your life by now, there's only one thing to turn to. Crack. And you know what? You'll be sharing it with the stars, my friend! Even though one would think a multimillion dollar paycheck for throwing a ball around for a portion of the year could score you some cocaine, most of today's up and coming atheletes still prefer the famous dimes. Ride the snake! Nothing? Well, this is all I can offer you before you slit your wrists: Wallow in the Failure of the Young. Sure, you're a disappointment in the eyes of your parents. You failed at life. But you didn't fail this publicly! So rejoice! Me, I'm going to try and catch herpes from David Hasselhoff.

2003-02-20T16:08:00.000-05:00

Everything you need to know to hone your thoughts on the impending war. I'd like to amend this article to say that poets shouldn't be allowed to write anything but limericks ever, war or not. Unless they're on Def Poetry Jam. 'Cause it's Def, yo.

2003-02-19T18:17:00.000-05:00

I always play fucking Glaucon. Why can't I be Socrates this time? I had conversations with both Desmond Pfeiffer and the Dynamite Diva today on the topic of invisibility.Like most everything, I have a theory: The first part of the theory is if most men were to become invisible, their thoughts would immediately turn to rape and theft. It seems only natural. I wouldn't go so far as rape, as anyone that I would rape could figure out where my crotch is eventually and damage it, but I would most certainly seduce women with the power of invisibility. And I would rob so many fucking banks. Hopefully I would have some sort of invisible suit so I can go back to being visible and enjoy my riches that way. The second part of the theory is that if most women were to become invisible, they wouldn't immediately start to rape. Women aren't cock crazy, so I doubt it would enter their head, at least for while, until they wandered into an NFL locker room. The universe, for the most part cold and impersonal, decided to leap into action and remind me that their are no original thoughts in the world, especially mine. This question was presented ages ago, by none other than Plato, through a parable told by Glaucon to Socrates. Fucking Socrates has upstaged me for the last time! Although I'd probably feel worse if someone pointed out that Hollowman beat me to it. So, anyone who's reading this, I want to know what you'd do if you were invisible, especially you ladies. I honestly can't think of anything but fucking. Maybe I should look into that. But I'll see what's on TV first.

2003-02-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

It seems that Mike Tyson has been playing too much Final Fantasy 8.

2003-02-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

I bought a pair of Rockports to replace my old pair of hobo boots (picture of hobo boots to come later, so I can justify the gross amount of money Lisa spent on my digital camera). I can't recommend them enough...it's as if the world beneath me has suddenly turned into a big pile of fat babies.

2003-02-18T10:54:00.000-05:00

I wonder if Bobby McFerrin is worried about terrorism or unhappy about the state of our economy.

2003-02-17T17:18:00.000-05:00

Fuck Weathermen.

We've got about two feet of snow here with no signs of it stopping, and it's the only thing on the news in NY. As I will eventually rule the world, I'd like to start legislating ahead of time:

The only one who is allowed to call anything "The Perfect Storm" is Shooter McGavin.

2003-02-17T12:26:00.000-05:00

Oh, and someone came by looking for women masturbating while crushing things, and sadly, I cannot offer that. If I were less lazy, I'd search for a picture of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" and photoshop it, but instead I'll just post something I made a long time ago and hope it helps you get your rocks off:
Estelle Getty Masturbating With A Butcher Knife

2003-02-17T11:57:00.000-05:00

Let's Go To The Zoo and Watch The Monkey Fuck! Over the weekend, a stunning EIGHT SEPERATE PEOPLE came to this site looking for "monkey sex" (or some variation thereof, such as the much classier "monkey fuck"), so in my continuing quest to satisfy the needs of the sex freaks that come to this site, ladies and gentleman, I present to you...

Hot Monkey Sex!

Amongst females genital-genital rubbing, or G-G rubbing, is common. Females will lay on top of each other face-to-face and move their pelvises so that the clitoris of each rubs together. Also juvenile males will rub each others genitals and place their mouths on each others genitals. Young bonobos often join in with the adults when they are having intercourse. Both males and females solicit copulations. Generally most matings occur in the morning, with the second time period for occurance happening in the evening. Awwwww, yeah.

I've been really tryin , baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on...
Rub your engorged labia against mine...
Rub your engorged labia against mine...

2003-02-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

Thoughts from the Weekend, part 1:

How is the Ghost of Christmas Future a ghost? Shouldn't it be an unborn baby? Like that one episode of "Amazing Stories" where that little kid was like "Mommy, why won't you pay attention to me?" and then the fairy godmother showed up and told the kid he was that woman's unborn son! Oooooh, freaky. Actually, now that I think about it, what purpose did that serve? Are we traumatized straight out of the womb? Fucking Spielberg.
If you ever get the chance to attend a murder mystery dinner, when the lights go out, scream, throw yourself on the floor, and pretend you're dead. I wonder if they'll write you into the story, or just break character and make you get off the floor. Either way, you're a star.

2003-02-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Do I smell love in the air? Yes, and it's burning my throat. India, land of tolerance and levelheadedness, has taken to the streets to protest. Protest what, you say? The situation with Pakistan? Nuclear proliferation? No, they are protesting something that flies in the face of Indian culture: Valentine's Day.

"Save Indian culture," shouted activists as they snatched cards from the shops in a western Bombay suburb, then burned them in a bonfire...
In the capital, New Delhi, nationalists distributed flyers asking young Indians to celebrate Hindu festivals instead. A heavy police presence in the capital prevented them from targeting shops there.
Others called on Indians to pay tribute instead to Indian-born astronaut Kalpana Chawla, who died in the Columbia disaster.

BURN VALENTINES! CELEBRATE HINDU HOLIDAYS! MOURN OUR ASTRONAUT! Jeez, pick one cause and stick with it. Actually, if they celebrated Dead Astronaut Day instead of Valentine's Day, I would move there. Awwww! My card has a picture of the charred nosecone! Thanks!

2003-02-14T08:52:00.000-05:00

You're lonely because you're ugly. Happy Valentine's Day!

2003-02-14T01:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I believe, is the end of yet another week of great Trio Documentaries, and the one that just played was "Man's Best Friend", a documentary on man's relationship with his penis. Apparently, the average size of a penis in Britain is 4 inches. I have decided to venture out to Britain and walk around pantsless until they name me their king. Give me money to do this, and I will make you a Duke (or Dutchess). First one to do it gets to be Duke of Earl.

2003-02-13T18:07:00.000-05:00

Due to some weird little glitch, the last part of my last post got cut off and I can't edit it, so I invite all you atheists to cower before Zombie Jesus! He died for your sins, now he's back for your brains! Not doing it for you? Well, when the day of reckoning comes, all nonbelievers will be crushed underneath the giant feet of Jesus, the Monster Truck! No? Then perhaps a miracle will help. HE WINKED AT ME! I AM SAVED!

2003-02-13T17:51:00.000-05:00

So you're an atheist... Not the most popular thing to be in this puritanical-christian-country-in-denial, assuming you're reading this in the US of course. You look around you, to the left there's crazy religious fundamentalists that want to kill you and to the right there's crazy fundamentalists running your country. Where's there to turn to? You could head over to Infidels.org and be swept up into many a philosophical debate, but the support of faceless brothers offers little consolation. No, you're a discerning individual, one who needs to find validation of their thought process in others they believe to be superior. And you can't get more superior than...celebrities! Over at Celebrity Atheists, you'll be able to hobknob with the godless stars, and feel justified knowing that your religious beliefs are shared by Micky Dolenz, former Monkee! Christopher Reeve, accomplished equestrian, is an avowed atheist, but I think it would be better for all of us if he keeps that quiet. Kinda makes us look bad. On the flip side of the coin, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, and Steve Wozniak all are atheists, and I'm going to try to convince them to pool their money into building a giant godless robot that we can ride into town to crush churches with. I don't think it will be hard, all rich men are just waiting for someone else to breach the subject of giant godless church-crushing robots before they go ahead and build one. If you're of a more musical persuasion, Tool, Slayer, Chumbawumba, and yes, teen sensation Barry Manilow are all atheists. Now, to be fair, there are a few Celebrity Christians, including John Tesh, Gary Busey, and Della Reese, as well as a bunch of people I've never heard of. Oh, John Woo's a christian, too, which gives me a greater understanding of why his movies suck so hard. Of course, all of us atheists will have hell to pay when

2003-02-12T18:09:00.000-05:00

2003-02-12T16:39:00.000-05:00

Fuck Canada, I'm moving to Thailand. In these hectic times, it's easy to forget that the rest of the world goes on despite our own little crisis. As we prepare for war, Thailand's Ministry of Health is leading a campaign to find natural ways to increase Thai women's breast size. Now, I may be a pseudopacifist to begin with, but I can't help to think that, when the alternative is gathering our women up and making their titties bigger, war just seems plain retarded. Then I remember that John Ashcroft spent $8000 of taxpayer money to cover up the naked boobies of a statue of Lady Justice and I realize that the US being united by the tit is a fleeting dream. A fleeting...AMERICAN DREAM.

2003-02-12T00:40:00.000-05:00

Things I stumbled upon while fucking around with URouLette:

It's all just a little bit of history repeating

A karate school whose theme song is "Bette Davis Eyes"*

The Online seaQuest Fan Club with Members Only Section!
*I couldn't figure out that it was "Bette Davis Eyes" until Whitey pointed it out like the Fairy Godmother he is.

2003-02-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

If you're married to a woman who finds a writhing 8 lb. mass being thrust from her vagina to be intensely erotic, then you have no chance of your cock ever pleasing her again.Oedipus Sex, anyone?

2003-02-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

You don't have DirecTV yet? Still don't have Trio? Are you some kind of animal? Oh, you need more proof that you can't live without it.. Well, look no further than Trio's Documentary series, airing every night at 9. Tonight's wonderful documentary? "The Truth About Gay Animals". The Internet has let me down, and I have no links about this show to offer you, except the website of the host, Scott Capurro, and even he doesn't list this documentary as one of his credits. Things I got to see during this documentary:

Lesbian Monkey Sex. Stiffened Monkey Nipples and Engorged Monkey Labia is not as erotic as it sounds. And when I say engorged, I mean ENGORGED. I could fuck it from across the room.
Male on Male Swan Sex. Quite beautiful really.
Ram on Ram Sex I got to see one ram cum in another ram's butt.
Gay Dolphins, Gay Seals, Gay Seagulls, and Gay Pygmy Horses.
Much, much more.

Now, I've known for a while about gay animals thanks to Cecil Adams and his In-Depth Study into Gay Animals, where you can learn about monkeys masturbating with gourds!

2003-02-11T16:17:00.000-05:00

What the fuck?!?? And yet, strangely, it turns me on.

2003-02-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

When Patriotism Is Confused With Mental Retardation Yes, we were all profoundly affected by the events of 9/11, blah, blah, blah. Perhaps the most unexpected ramification of 9/11 was the near universal realization that the individual is pretty much meaningless in the grand scheme of things. This wasn't a conscious realization by any means, but it is best exemplified in the countless displays of the following sentiment: "If I don't ______, then the terrorists win." From "If I don't shop at Mandee's One Day Only Pajamarama Sale, then the terrorists win" to "If SUNY Buffalo's very own Medieval Society doesn't put on its annual renaissance festival, then the terrorists win", people were absolutely convinced that their each and every move flew in the face of Al Queda. Those buildings may have fallen, but they sure as fuck aren't going to miss that Monster Truck Rally because this is America, and the dream is still alive. Thankfully, the mindless flag waving has died down a bit, but it still enrages me to see something like this: Players of EverQuest, the most popular online game in the United States with about 85,000 playing at any time, held in-game candlelight vigils after the Sept. 11 attacks and even created memorials within the game's universe. In the dark hours of the fall of the WTC, Lord Awesome of Naboo, Amazon Princess Hello Kitty 9, and the Shaman Captain Picard put aside their differences and mourned the losses. Then they killed an ogre.* Honestly, if you sat on Everquest and built a 9/11 shrine, I hope they find you dead while masturbating. *credit for the Ogre joke goes to Desmond Pfieffer

2003-02-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

I am covered in worm shit

I'm fairly sure that a water main broke near my house, as the water in the toilets was tinted light brown. The water coming from the faucets and the shower was fine, so I still took a shower, but I'm fairly sure my pores are clogged with mounds of worm turd. And I can't even shower to wash it off. Kill me, kill me now.

2003-02-11T00:04:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, my musical taste is a lot better than yours. In order to expose you to greatness, I uploaded a bunch of mp3s to a Yahoo Briefcase: Delicious Young Mp3s.

Note: I have over 5 gigs of They Might Be Giants on my computer. I am sparing you of that for now. For now.

2003-02-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

Whitey was complaining over at his blog that he is sorely in need of new music. It used to be that I depended on Amazon.com recommendations and Napster mislabelings to find my new music. Well, these days, no matter what you listen to, you'll always get recommended Wilco, and Napster's no more, and Kazaa relabelings are more the realm of Weird Al than anyone else.

A while ago I found AllMusic.com, where you can look up your favorite artists, then it'll recommend similar artists, artists they were inspired by, and in turn, artists inspired by them. It's pretty nifty, but let's face it, you're an incredibly lazy fuck, so the chances you'd actually go to the effort of looking them up and seeking out similar artists is nill.

Enter Audioscrobbler. This winamp plugin records what you're listening to, checks it against its database, then recommends other artists you might like. You'll still have to go out and find the music yourself, but such is life. If you wanted it any easier, you would've married an asian by now.

[Link via BoingBoing