Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Proof That There Is No God: You Die at a Great White Concert I think, in response to the club fire that left 97 dead during a Great White concert, a benefit should be organized:
Hair Bands for Burn Victims
All proceeds will be given to the victims, with a small share given to the lead singer of Great White as condolences for looking like Linda Tripp (or, alternately, Arte Johnson)
Holy shit. Holy holy HOLY shit. 64 grams of fat, 2,090 milligrams of sodium, and enough cholesterol to kill anything that's ever lived. No, not John Goodman. X-E's review of the tremendously horrendous Hungry Man Microwaveable All-Day Breakfast! Not for the faint of heart.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

North Korea launches Missle. World continues to ignore North Korea. North Korea threatens to hold its breath until it passes out. The North Koreans, who really just want a hug, have resumed missle testing after a three year hiatus. And our response to this veiled threat? Mr. Fleischer, take the floor:
"North Korea has a history of engaging in rather bizarre actions and then expecting the world to pay them or negotiate with them to give them something in exchange for them stopping doing what they shouldn't have done in the first place.
Classic Middle Child Syndrome.Although if you're coming from the "Home Improvement" school of psychology, it'd be youngest child. Eventually, this will turn into Drop Dead Fred, with us just totally ignorning that North Korea did anything and blaming it instead on Phoebe Cates. I mean Iraq.
You got Furverts in my Robot/Doll Fetish! You got Robot/Doll Fetish in my Furverts! Two Great Tastes that Taste Great Together! Fetishes. EVERYONE has one. And most of us have at least one we're not telling anyone about. Me? Well, to be dignified about it, I like me some big titties and asians. Now, I don't think those are so unusual, but it seems when you delve into the more specific, nonsexual body parts/actions, that we venture into the realm of the creepy. I mean, only a foot fetishist understands a foot fetishist. You'd have to be a chubby chaser to sympathize with a chubby chaser. And you're certainly not going to look at the guy who confesses he likes to watch women step on things the same way again. And yet, you will happily masturbate to some DVDA like it's normal as can be. My point is we're all filthy sexual deviants, but the impetus for this post was to clarify something: Men ain't the only ones with fetishes. In fact, I've never met a woman WITHOUT a fetish, they just don't call it that, they justify it by saying it's something they love because it's a sign a man is manly. Just the other night, Lisa and Tina were discussing how wonderful men's hand and arm veins are. What the fuck? If this guy had said that about women, he'd have to go door to door announcing it to his neighbors. But hey, to each their own. If I moved to some less concerned country, I would procreate and try to fuck my kids up in different ways and see what bizarre fetish/character flaw it results in. But until I can guess by observation alone, I can only rely on what you tell me. So, are you man enough to admit your fetish? Well, the one you can admit. You fucking sicko. [Note: This would rely on my comments actually working, which they don't seem to at the moment. If this continues to be the case, just shout your answer at the computer screen, and hopefully I'll be Jobe by then and will be able to hear you. If not, go to your window and scream out the name of the childlike emperor. Fantasia depends on it!]
Ignore the proposed peace accord below. I have found the secret key to your wonderful, mysterious vaginas. Vaginii. Whatever, the plural of vagina. YOU WILL BE MINE! And I'll carry a harmonica around in my pocket so you know I can work that sideways slit.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Why They Haven't Taken Over Is Beyond Me Listen, asian women, I understand your objectification as sex objects is unparalleled on earth, and I understand you're real people with real thoughs and emotions, and that men like me who turn a blind eye to these things cause you so much pain and heartache you go on Def Poetry Jam and yell about us, but there's something you must understand: you are insanely hot. And really, you're not making it any easier to be thoughtful by wearing see-thru skirts that showcase your panties Regardless of the fact that they're just photoshopped fakes of a new fad in japan, the prospect of supple young asian ass on constant display is still calling out to me in a very unfair way. And if I moved to Japan, I'd be able to stream porn through my cellphone, including text-based porn! Good thing it's hands free! So, Asian women, I'd like you to meet me half way. I will respect your mind as much as I respect your body (how could I not with such amazing math aptitude?) and each and every one of you will say to me at least once "Oh, it so large Mr. Lou, but I try to get it all in without crying too much". And then we'll take a rice bath together. (Pussy-Whipped Comment Alert: The preceding post is dedicated to my own wonderful round-eyed asian, Lisa, who in her heart of hearts realizes that I wouldn't go out of my way to fuck an asian, unless, of course, she wasn't looking, or was asleep, or if there was something in the room to knock her unconscious.)
I caught Bill Maher's new show over the weekend and it was actually quite good. He called Ann Coulter out on the lying full of shit cunt that she is. Alright, he just called her a liar, but still. That being said, I'd still fuck her. Sarah Silverman had a delightfully racist stand up appearance, although to my shock and dismay, she is currently banging Jimmy Kimmell. There is no more compelling evidence that Satan is the main force behind hollywood today than Jimmy Kimmell's meteoric rise (do meteors rise? I never really got that expression but it feels suitably journalistic) to stardom. So, having tangentially breached the subject of racism being put under the artistic microscope, I present to you the Bubble Sisters the korean pop sensations that perform for the masses in blackface. I won't get into it any deeper than this: it only makes them hotter. [Last Link via Metafilter]
Today is one of those days that makes me glad to be a consumer. I recieved my 120 GB Upgrade to my Hughes DirecTivo 2 from Weaknees.com, which means I can now record 140 hours of television, or 5 days, 20 hours. This means I am one step closer to becoming the Lawnmower Man, a goal which, once achieved, will result in me strangling you all with gas pumps. I also recieved my copy of Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Master Quest, the promotional disc that precedes Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, so my inner nerd has been thoroughly masturbated and is salivating at the prospect of enjoying it all tonight. Ah, the wonders of geekdom.

Friday, February 21, 2003

Defense Tech is the most useful/sane site I've seen so far among the war blogs that number in the millions these days.It's definitely going in my daily reads. Should put it in yours, too, ya fuckin loon.
Were you one of those people who ran out and bought up all the duct tape and plastic you could find? In case you didn't know it already, You're Fucking Retarded.
Taking a cue from Huey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow, Bush and Blair share a touching duet. But what would Al think? [Link via Tales of Hoffman via Boing Boing]
Face the facts: Celebrities are better than you. In every way imaginable. They're better looking, have more money, have fucked more than you ever will, and a little known fact: celebrity love is purer and more deep than any of us plebes could ever fathom. I think that has something to do with Scientology, but I'm not sure. I'll look into it. You open up America's foremost literary journal, US Weekly, and thumbing through sections like "Stars and their Cars" and "Stars: They're Just Like Us!", you sink deeper into your funk, realizing that if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, less than a hundred people would show up at your funeral, Elton John wouldn't write a song about you, and your hairstylist would not be on "Behind the Music" the next month talking about how there's one more star in the heavens these days, and my oh my, does it shine bright There is one thing that can make us working class stiffs feel better about ourselves: Celebrity Gossip! Yes, your life may be utterly mundane and bereft of meaning, but at least you're not Gary Busey! Need a little boost about how you're swinging down there? Compare yourself with the cocks of rock stars! You may still have to write adult N'Sync fan fiction without ever truly knowing the size of Lance's cock, but you can always get started on your Sugar Ray fan fiction now that you know you can floss with him! Don't have a penis? Well, you don't have herpes either. Robin Williams does! HE just hides it underneath the mounds of mounds of hair. And really, who doesn't enjoy seeing a celebrity hit rock bottom? Take solace in the fact that, for all the times you were drugged up and your poor mother had to drag you off the front lawn, there's not THAT many photos, and it's not like you'll be running for public office any time soon. Otherwise those convictions might come back to haunt you. Fucking Matthew McConaughey looks better than I do even when drugged up with cuffs on. If you don't feel better about the endless gray corridor that is your life by now, there's only one thing to turn to. Crack. And you know what? You'll be sharing it with the stars, my friend! Even though one would think a multimillion dollar paycheck for throwing a ball around for a portion of the year could score you some cocaine, most of today's up and coming atheletes still prefer the famous dimes. Ride the snake! Nothing? Well, this is all I can offer you before you slit your wrists: Wallow in the Failure of the Young. Sure, you're a disappointment in the eyes of your parents. You failed at life. But you didn't fail this publicly! So rejoice! Me, I'm going to try and catch herpes from David Hasselhoff.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Everything you need to know to hone your thoughts on the impending war. I'd like to amend this article to say that poets shouldn't be allowed to write anything but limericks ever, war or not. Unless they're on Def Poetry Jam. 'Cause it's Def, yo.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I always play fucking Glaucon. Why can't I be Socrates this time? I had conversations with both Desmond Pfeiffer and the Dynamite Diva today on the topic of invisibility.Like most everything, I have a theory: The first part of the theory is if most men were to become invisible, their thoughts would immediately turn to rape and theft. It seems only natural. I wouldn't go so far as rape, as anyone that I would rape could figure out where my crotch is eventually and damage it, but I would most certainly seduce women with the power of invisibility. And I would rob so many fucking banks. Hopefully I would have some sort of invisible suit so I can go back to being visible and enjoy my riches that way. The second part of the theory is that if most women were to become invisible, they wouldn't immediately start to rape. Women aren't cock crazy, so I doubt it would enter their head, at least for while, until they wandered into an NFL locker room. The universe, for the most part cold and impersonal, decided to leap into action and remind me that their are no original thoughts in the world, especially mine. This question was presented ages ago, by none other than Plato, through a parable told by Glaucon to Socrates. Fucking Socrates has upstaged me for the last time! Although I'd probably feel worse if someone pointed out that Hollowman beat me to it. So, anyone who's reading this, I want to know what you'd do if you were invisible, especially you ladies. I honestly can't think of anything but fucking. Maybe I should look into that. But I'll see what's on TV first.
It seems that Mike Tyson has been playing too much Final Fantasy 8.
I bought a pair of Rockports to replace my old pair of hobo boots (picture of hobo boots to come later, so I can justify the gross amount of money Lisa spent on my digital camera). I can't recommend them enough...it's as if the world beneath me has suddenly turned into a big pile of fat babies.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

I wonder if Bobby McFerrin is worried about terrorism or unhappy about the state of our economy.

Monday, February 17, 2003

Fuck Weathermen.

We've got about two feet of snow here with no signs of it stopping, and it's the only thing on the news in NY. As I will eventually rule the world, I'd like to start legislating ahead of time:

The only one who is allowed to call anything "The Perfect Storm" is Shooter McGavin.
Oh, and someone came by looking for women masturbating while crushing things, and sadly, I cannot offer that. If I were less lazy, I'd search for a picture of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" and photoshop it, but instead I'll just post something I made a long time ago and hope it helps you get your rocks off:

Estelle Getty Masturbating With A Butcher Knife
Let's Go To The Zoo and Watch The Monkey Fuck! Over the weekend, a stunning EIGHT SEPERATE PEOPLE came to this site looking for "monkey sex" (or some variation thereof, such as the much classier "monkey fuck"), so in my continuing quest to satisfy the needs of the sex freaks that come to this site, ladies and gentleman, I present to you...

Hot Monkey Sex!

Amongst females genital-genital rubbing, or G-G rubbing, is common. Females will lay on top of each other face-to-face and move their pelvises so that the clitoris of each rubs together. Also juvenile males will rub each others genitals and place their mouths on each others genitals. Young bonobos often join in with the adults when they are having intercourse. Both males and females solicit copulations. Generally most matings occur in the morning, with the second time period for occurance happening in the evening. Awwwww, yeah.



I've been really tryin , baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on...
Rub your engorged labia against mine...
Rub your engorged labia against mine...


Thoughts from the Weekend, part 1:
  • How is the Ghost of Christmas Future a ghost? Shouldn't it be an unborn baby? Like that one episode of "Amazing Stories" where that little kid was like "Mommy, why won't you pay attention to me?" and then the fairy godmother showed up and told the kid he was that woman's unborn son! Oooooh, freaky. Actually, now that I think about it, what purpose did that serve? Are we traumatized straight out of the womb? Fucking Spielberg.
  • If you ever get the chance to attend a murder mystery dinner, when the lights go out, scream, throw yourself on the floor, and pretend you're dead. I wonder if they'll write you into the story, or just break character and make you get off the floor. Either way, you're a star.

Friday, February 14, 2003

Do I smell love in the air? Yes, and it's burning my throat. India, land of tolerance and levelheadedness, has taken to the streets to protest. Protest what, you say? The situation with Pakistan? Nuclear proliferation? No, they are protesting something that flies in the face of Indian culture: Valentine's Day.
"Save Indian culture," shouted activists as they snatched cards from the shops in a western Bombay suburb, then burned them in a bonfire...
In the capital, New Delhi, nationalists distributed flyers asking young Indians to celebrate Hindu festivals instead. A heavy police presence in the capital prevented them from targeting shops there.
Others called on Indians to pay tribute instead to Indian-born astronaut Kalpana Chawla, who died in the Columbia disaster.
BURN VALENTINES! CELEBRATE HINDU HOLIDAYS! MOURN OUR ASTRONAUT! Jeez, pick one cause and stick with it. Actually, if they celebrated Dead Astronaut Day instead of Valentine's Day, I would move there. Awwww! My card has a picture of the charred nosecone! Thanks!
You're lonely because you're ugly. Happy Valentine's Day!
Tonight, I believe, is the end of yet another week of great Trio Documentaries, and the one that just played was "Man's Best Friend", a documentary on man's relationship with his penis. Apparently, the average size of a penis in Britain is 4 inches. I have decided to venture out to Britain and walk around pantsless until they name me their king. Give me money to do this, and I will make you a Duke (or Dutchess). First one to do it gets to be Duke of Earl.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Due to some weird little glitch, the last part of my last post got cut off and I can't edit it, so I invite all you atheists to cower before Zombie Jesus! He died for your sins, now he's back for your brains! Not doing it for you? Well, when the day of reckoning comes, all nonbelievers will be crushed underneath the giant feet of Jesus, the Monster Truck! No? Then perhaps a miracle will help. HE WINKED AT ME! I AM SAVED!
So you're an atheist... Not the most popular thing to be in this puritanical-christian-country-in-denial, assuming you're reading this in the US of course. You look around you, to the left there's crazy religious fundamentalists that want to kill you and to the right there's crazy fundamentalists running your country. Where's there to turn to? You could head over to Infidels.org and be swept up into many a philosophical debate, but the support of faceless brothers offers little consolation. No, you're a discerning individual, one who needs to find validation of their thought process in others they believe to be superior. And you can't get more superior than...celebrities! Over at Celebrity Atheists, you'll be able to hobknob with the godless stars, and feel justified knowing that your religious beliefs are shared by Micky Dolenz, former Monkee! Christopher Reeve, accomplished equestrian, is an avowed atheist, but I think it would be better for all of us if he keeps that quiet. Kinda makes us look bad. On the flip side of the coin, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, and Steve Wozniak all are atheists, and I'm going to try to convince them to pool their money into building a giant godless robot that we can ride into town to crush churches with. I don't think it will be hard, all rich men are just waiting for someone else to breach the subject of giant godless church-crushing robots before they go ahead and build one. If you're of a more musical persuasion, Tool, Slayer, Chumbawumba, and yes, teen sensation Barry Manilow are all atheists. Now, to be fair, there are a few Celebrity Christians, including John Tesh, Gary Busey, and Della Reese, as well as a bunch of people I've never heard of. Oh, John Woo's a christian, too, which gives me a greater understanding of why his movies suck so hard. Of course, all of us atheists will have hell to pay when posted by Lou at

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

I always play fucking Glaucon. Why can't I be Socrates this time? I had conversations with both Desmond Pfeiffer and the Dynamite Diva today on the topic of invisibility.Like most everything, I have a theory: The first part of the theory is if most men were to become invisible, their thoughts would immediately turn to rape and theft. It seems only natural. I wouldn't go so far as rape, as anyone that I would rape could figure out where my crotch is eventually and damage it, but I would most certainly seduce women with the power of invisibility. And I would rob so many fucking banks. Hopefully I would have some sort of invisible suit so I can go back to being visible and enjoy my riches that way. The second part of the theory is that if most women were to become invisible, they wouldn't immediately start to rape. Women aren't cock crazy, so I doubt it would enter their head, at least for while, until they wandered into an NFL locker room. The universe, for the most part cold and impersonal, decided to leap into action and remind me that their are no original thoughts in the world, especially mine. This question was presented ages ago, by none other than Plato, through a parable told by Glaucon to Socrates. Fucking Socrates has upstaged me for the last time! Although I'd probably feel worse if someone pointed out that Hollowman beat me to it. So, anyone who's reading this, I want to know what you'd do if you were invisible, especially you ladies. I honestly can't think of anything but fucking. Maybe I should look into that. But I'll see what's on TV first.
Fuck Canada, I'm moving to Thailand. In these hectic times, it's easy to forget that the rest of the world goes on despite our own little crisis. As we prepare for war, Thailand's Ministry of Health is leading a campaign to find natural ways to increase Thai women's breast size. Now, I may be a pseudopacifist to begin with, but I can't help to think that, when the alternative is gathering our women up and making their titties bigger, war just seems plain retarded. Then I remember that John Ashcroft spent $8000 of taxpayer money to cover up the naked boobies of a statue of Lady Justice and I realize that the US being united by the tit is a fleeting dream. A fleeting...AMERICAN DREAM.
Things I stumbled upon while fucking around with URouLette:

It's all just a little bit of history repeating

A karate school whose theme song is "Bette Davis Eyes"*

The Online seaQuest Fan Club with Members Only Section!
*I couldn't figure out that it was "Bette Davis Eyes" until Whitey pointed it out like the Fairy Godmother he is.
If you're married to a woman who finds a writhing 8 lb. mass being thrust from her vagina to be intensely erotic, then you have no chance of your cock ever pleasing her again.Oedipus Sex, anyone?

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

You don't have DirecTV yet? Still don't have Trio? Are you some kind of animal? Oh, you need more proof that you can't live without it.. Well, look no further than Trio's Documentary series, airing every night at 9. Tonight's wonderful documentary? "The Truth About Gay Animals". The Internet has let me down, and I have no links about this show to offer you, except the website of the host, Scott Capurro, and even he doesn't list this documentary as one of his credits. Things I got to see during this documentary:
  • Lesbian Monkey Sex. Stiffened Monkey Nipples and Engorged Monkey Labia is not as erotic as it sounds. And when I say engorged, I mean ENGORGED. I could fuck it from across the room.
  • Male on Male Swan Sex. Quite beautiful really.
  • Ram on Ram Sex I got to see one ram cum in another ram's butt.
  • Gay Dolphins, Gay Seals, Gay Seagulls, and Gay Pygmy Horses.
  • Much, much more.
Now, I've known for a while about gay animals thanks to Cecil Adams and his In-Depth Study into Gay Animals, where you can learn about monkeys masturbating with gourds!
What the fuck?!?? And yet, strangely, it turns me on.
When Patriotism Is Confused With Mental Retardation Yes, we were all profoundly affected by the events of 9/11, blah, blah, blah. Perhaps the most unexpected ramification of 9/11 was the near universal realization that the individual is pretty much meaningless in the grand scheme of things. This wasn't a conscious realization by any means, but it is best exemplified in the countless displays of the following sentiment: "If I don't ______, then the terrorists win." From "If I don't shop at Mandee's One Day Only Pajamarama Sale, then the terrorists win" to "If SUNY Buffalo's very own Medieval Society doesn't put on its annual renaissance festival, then the terrorists win", people were absolutely convinced that their each and every move flew in the face of Al Queda. Those buildings may have fallen, but they sure as fuck aren't going to miss that Monster Truck Rally because this is America, and the dream is still alive. Thankfully, the mindless flag waving has died down a bit, but it still enrages me to see something like this: Players of EverQuest, the most popular online game in the United States with about 85,000 playing at any time, held in-game candlelight vigils after the Sept. 11 attacks and even created memorials within the game's universe. In the dark hours of the fall of the WTC, Lord Awesome of Naboo, Amazon Princess Hello Kitty 9, and the Shaman Captain Picard put aside their differences and mourned the losses. Then they killed an ogre.* Honestly, if you sat on Everquest and built a 9/11 shrine, I hope they find you dead while masturbating. *credit for the Ogre joke goes to Desmond Pfieffer
I am covered in worm shit

I'm fairly sure that a water main broke near my house, as the water in the toilets was tinted light brown. The water coming from the faucets and the shower was fine, so I still took a shower, but I'm fairly sure my pores are clogged with mounds of worm turd. And I can't even shower to wash it off. Kill me, kill me now.

Let's face it, my musical taste is a lot better than yours. In order to expose you to greatness, I uploaded a bunch of mp3s to a Yahoo Briefcase: Delicious Young Mp3s.

Note: I have over 5 gigs of They Might Be Giants on my computer. I am sparing you of that for now. For now.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Whitey was complaining over at his blog that he is sorely in need of new music. It used to be that I depended on Amazon.com recommendations and Napster mislabelings to find my new music. Well, these days, no matter what you listen to, you'll always get recommended Wilco, and Napster's no more, and Kazaa relabelings are more the realm of Weird Al than anyone else.

A while ago I found AllMusic.com, where you can look up your favorite artists, then it'll recommend similar artists, artists they were inspired by, and in turn, artists inspired by them. It's pretty nifty, but let's face it, you're an incredibly lazy fuck, so the chances you'd actually go to the effort of looking them up and seeking out similar artists is nill.

Enter Audioscrobbler. This winamp plugin records what you're listening to, checks it against its database, then recommends other artists you might like. You'll still have to go out and find the music yourself, but such is life. If you wanted it any easier, you would've married an asian by now.

[Link via BoingBoing

My obligatory Dell Dude Busted for Pot joke: Dude! You're getting gang raped by the Aryan Brotherhood!

Sunday, February 09, 2003

Rock! I've made it on Google! Here are some of the search queries that brought people to my website:
  • x files mulder skinner rectum
  • talespin fan fiction
  • captian planet he's our hero

I apologize profusely to the man with the giant erection seeking the erotic tales of Mulder exploring Skinner's supple ruby starfruit. To make up for it, I will write some Talespin fanfiction:

Baloo made his way off of the Sea Duck after a particularly demanding delivery route. The workaday world was taking its toll on the gruff old bear, the loneliness of the wide open skies did terrible things to your mind, your soul. He had recruited Kit Cloudkicker to accompany him on the more taxing missions, but after some exploratory pawing it became apparent that Kit had no interest in bear penis, and would only go so far as to wear tight shorts so Baloo would have something to masturbate to.

The time for servicing himself was over now, and he could almost smell the musk of Rebecca's loins on the air. As he made his way through the docks of Cape Suzette toward "Higher for Hire", Baloo thought longingly of the way he and Rebecca could forego their anthropomorphic ways and fuck like the filthy beasts they were, returning to all fours and growling in unbridled ecstasy.

His gray fur ruffled as his erection sprang forth; he was prepared for action. He threw the door open to the office and his lust was tempered by shock at the scene that lay before him. Don Karnage was holding Rebecca at knifepoint. "I've got you kno--" Karnage began, but his words were lost as his eyes wandered down to Baloo's turgent bearhood. Baloo had never been involved in a threesome before, but there was never a better time than the present...

That may be the most disturbing thing I've ever done. But if I got a few Furry lovers off, then I wash my hands of the sin of misleading someone seeking Skinner Rectum. Literally, I'm going to wash my hands at least a dozen times after this post.

I came a sad realization just now: I've never made S'mores by a campfire.

Actually, I think I've only had prepackaged s'mores, little chub that I was. I was reading a book, and the topic of campfire S'mores came up, and I wondered how the fuck you would get the stick through the graham cracker without breaking it in half. Turns out you toast the marshmallow and then add it to the non-toasted graham cracker and chocolate. Now the whole process seems kind of cheap.

Friday, February 07, 2003

Scientists have invented the blackest black that ever was black.

This is unfortunate news for Wesley Snipes, who previously held the title.

It was in the shower this morning when I first realized the Muppets are a filthy lie.

Some commercial, I think it was Hotjobs, has permeated my consciousness so that I'm forced to sing "The Rainbow Connection" over and over in my head, as the commercial itself features people delivering a half-hearted spoken word version of the song that opens The Muppet Movie. The lyrics are innocent enough, but contain such a bold-faced lie as to seriously jeopardize any further trust I would put in the Muppets. See if you can spot the lie:

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Did you see it? Did you find he false premise that undercuts he integrity of Kermit the Frog? There aren't any other songs about rainbows except for this one. Why lie to us Kermit? An extensive search of lyrics sites turned up ne song about Rainbows, one by The Insane Clown Posse, who may themselves be Muppets, but certainly weren't around when this song came out. You could say he was inspired by the Lucky Charms jingle, but I severely doubt it, as we all know frogs hate cereal.

I'm sure this is just the first in a series of Muppet lies that have yet to be uncovered. I'd uncover them, if it wasn't for the fact that, while I was searching for the full lyrics to "The Rainbow Connection", I stumbled on this site: All Mixed Up: Putting Gender Identity Into Perspective, Thoughts of a Transsexual Developmental Psychologist., which is run by Katie, a transsexual (did I already mention the transsexual part?) psychology graduate student. I love the internet.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

There's a series of documentaries airing at 9 pm on Trio this week, channel 315 to all you Directv subscribers, called Secret Rulers of the World, which explores (and, tonight at least, debunks) conspiracy theories concerning, what else, the secret rulers of the world. I've always been fascinated by the people that think that seven jew bankers control the world (or the world's media, depending on who you ask) and how they arrived at the number seven. I'd hate to be that eighth jew banker who can't get in because of the "No Homers" rule.

So in the interest of science, I did a little research on the seven jew bankers, and it turned up this site: Jew Watch I think you have to admire the dedication, the investigation, the sheer lunacy that it would take to be this far into the whole "Jews=Evil" scenario.

If the jews were evil, where would Hannukah Harry fall in?
This Everything2 article on the bandwith of Cable Modems vs. Cocks is the nerd equivalent of a great Bill Hicks routine:

"This is the idea that has made me virtually an anonymous figure in America for the last 16 years. If you have children I am sorry to tell you this: They are not special. You think your child is special because one out of 200 million sperm connected? Gee, what are the fuckin' odds? You know what that means? That means I have wiped entire civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. I've tossed universes in my underpants. While napping. That is special."

During the average week, I lay waste to
2.8 billion sperm. At that rate, it would take me 2 weeks and one day to ejaculate the world's population. It's a feeling of power to know that most of Asia is laying on my bedroom floor crusting in my Spongebob boxers.

If you don't know who
Bill Hicks is, then do yourself a favor and buy every single comedy album he's released. You'll thank me on your death bed. Or in your suicide note. Actually, I'd prefer suicide note. I'd like to be blamed for your exit from this world without all those messy legal ramifications.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Imagine my surprise when I found out someone other than people I know actually reads this blog. The Buddy Christ stopped by here at one point (and even mentions me in their blog), so in order to honor this momentous occasion, they're going up in my links.
Hollywood produces a stunning amount of shit a year. Not as much as Bollywood, but then again Hollywood spends more time eating beef. With such blockbusters as Daredevil, X-Men 2, and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines coming out, it's easy to lose sight of the little shitty gems that will grace the silver screen in the third year of the Willenium . So, as a public service to you all, I have scoured the internet (read: IMDB) to alert you to all the movies to look for this year:

March
  • Timecop 2 The movie that answers all the questions that were left unanswered in the original Timecop. This movie is mercifully devoid of Jean-Claude Van Damme, replacing him with Jason Scott Lee, who you may remember from absolutely nothing. Okay, to be fair, he played Bruce Lee in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story while Brandon Lee was off getting himself shot. He also did a voiceover for the excellent Lilo & Stitch which proved to America he has less of a grasp on the english language than your average cab driver. The original Timecop was incredibly shitty, as are most time travel movies, so the only way I'd see this movie is if it contained a burly jock and at least one manure truck.

  • Willard The only reason Willard even gets a mention is because it stars the overly wonderful Crispin Glover, who really should have been casted as Jason Scott Lee's father in Time Cop 2. It's also written by and who wrote some really excellent X-Files episodes, but that's beside the point. I still fail to see why a man who controls rats is threatening, as Desmond so succinctly put it, you could just throw a brick at his head. After all, it's fucking Crispin Glover, look at him, the man's afraid of thunderstorms. It's not like Willard's the Lawnmower Man, where you can't even pump gas in safety. I'll still see it, though.

April
  • Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' On Heaven's Door I truly hope this doesn't turn out to be really shitty as it's the movie version of a very, very good anime series. How good, you ask? It doesn't have many, if any, giant robots, women being raped by plant monsters, or nippleless breasts. That's pretty fucking rare for anime.

May
  • X-Men 2 Yes, friends, after 3 months of Comic Book-less movies, you're in for a treat. I saw the newest trailer for this shitstravaganza and I have a question: Are we not supposed to laugh when Hugh Jackman/Wolverine runs at the camera yelling and finally slashing at it with his mighty claws? Because I laughed my ass off. I didn't really feel it conveyed the horror and betrayal Wolvie must have been feeling as his only home was being invaded, but instead felt it was more along the lines of when you tease a fat kid too much and he yells and charges you in a way only a fat kid can. Halle Berry unashamedly appears in this movie, with her top on for a change. I'm sure she'll have more weather related zingers for us all. If you ignore the "characters" credits, it took 5 people to write this movie. If you include them, that number jumps to 10. 10 people to write X-Men 2. Oh, and with previous writing credits that include Inspector Gadget, Last Action Hero, and Scorpion King, I'm sure this will be a cinematic masterpiece. Or at least Professor X can save them all with houdini's magic movie ticket. That being said, there better be a fucking Sentinel in this fucking movie.

  • Mortal Kombat 3: Domination Because the fact that videogames should not be made into movies has been lost on Hollywood. Unless this movie contains babalities, in which case I take that back.

  • Matrix Reloaded If you like the Matrix, you're an idiot. I would be much happier if they released a sequel to Hard Ball instead of this shit. Or Point Break. Or Johnny Mnemonic. Or Sweet November. Or any of Keanu Reeves stunning oeuvre.

  • Finding Nemo Go see it. Pixar does no wrong.

June
  • The Hulk Known for its intricate plots involving smashing things, The Hulk is sure to delight us all. Now, this is what confuses me: a lot of halfway decent people are involved with the project. The guy who wrote The Ice Storm wrote the screenplay, and the guy who directed Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is directing this. Oh, and Lou Ferrigno guest stars (although how he heard "Action!" I'm not sure). So I'll refrain from damning this project until I know more.

  • Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle The movie that proves, yes, horny teenage boys will spend as much money on movies as lonely teenage girls. It also proves that even the great Bill Murray will cash in his integrity for a few mil. I forgive you, Bill, as long as you continue to work with Wes Anderson.

July
  • Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines I won't point out how old Arnold is these days, that'd be too easy, but I will point out that adding a female sidekick/enemy is the worst movie sequel convention ever invented. If they are sidekicks, they always battle the males along gender lines until some turn of events allows the woman to shine, thus proving herself to her partner and making them equals. If they are enemies, then the woman is severely underestimated in her strength/intelligence/brutality/whatever and at least one throwaway character will hit on her, at which point she will do something horrible to his genitalia. Or even worse, either sidekick/enemy will armwrestle someone and win. As if that's the true test of women's equality. We all know that the true test of a woman's equality is a cock sucking contest. Get started ladies.

  • Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003) You had so much promise in Election Reese...was the money that good for this movie? Yeah, I suppose it was.

  • Bad Boys II (2003) Black men too threatening for you? Try Martin Lawrence and Will Smith, the taste that refreshes.

August
  • Nothing to see here, unless you were looking for a Jeepers Creepers sequel or a J-Lo movie. I refuse to link to either.

September
  • The Book of Mormon Movie, Volume 1 There's currently no information on this movie, but rest assured I will be checking back to see if there is CONSTANTLY. I like any movie that has already decided that it's going to be part of a trilogy.
I'll finish this exhaustive search later, as I think The Book of Mormon Movie is as close to a cliffhanger this blog will ever get.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

My idea for a new WTC design: Build an airport there.

Monday, February 03, 2003

Someone told me that the great Mark Knopfler recently won an Italian Music Award. After a little research, I found out he was honored with The Wireless Prize RTL...yay?
No Children, a Theocracy is not a government run by Malcolm Jamal Warner.

Children are our future. That and then a bleak, postapocalyptic world where humans lie on the brink of extinction at the hands of their robot masters. Before that, though, Children are our future. So it's key that we train them to force their religious beliefs on others. It's the American Way.

Taking responsibility for this divine task is the Presidential Prayer Team for Kids who, if you scroll to the bottom of the page, aren't affiliated with the president in any way, just, I guess, are guiding their prayers his way? I don't know, it's one of those things where you just grab a name to get attention, like I'm sure Babe Ruth didn't endorse little fat kids sitting in left field waiting to go back to sitting on the bench, but they still named a little league division after him. But I digress...

The Presidential Prayer Team for Kids, whose lively spirit is embodied by this guy, have put together a crack team of children whose job it is to pray their hardest to make america strong, and by strong I mean entirely christian. I'm not sure where on the website it says anything about "Does God have a plan? If so, does praying affect the way God's plan unfolds? If yes, does that mean god was wrong and you were right about how things should be going? If no, why bother praying at all?", but otherwise the theory behind this whole endeavor seems quite sound. Sound enough that people have put its teachings into effect:

How are you using the Presidential Prayer Team For Kids Website?
Thanks so much for the newsletter, the history, the specific prayer requests mentioned, and especially for teaching the children about their God-based government which was organized by God-fearing, Christian men. You are doing a great job!" --Thea, Arkansas
If you'd like to wash the filth of the above off your mind, then go visit the Americans United for Separation of Church and State website or the extensive Separation of Church and State archive at Infidels.org
I just encountered something entirely too frightening. I went to piss (in the women's bathroom, the men's bathroom where I work is just entirely too filthy) and as I'm standing there peeing, I look down...and there's a single piece of corn floating in the toilet. I can say no more for fear of imploding.
A little known fact about me is that I am a certified expert in the field of Girl Power (read my widely available thesis: "All I Really, Really, Really Want Is Zig-A-Zig-Uh"). If you're unfamiliar with the field, it studies the effects of the empowered young female, to classify its various forms (from Girl Power to Grrl Power to the afro-centric Giz-rrl Piz-ower), but it never tries to find the origins of Girl Power itself. Our methods of observation are far too primitive to ever hope to discover the source.

So it came as a great shock to us all that the source of all girl power comes from something right under our noses. No, it wasn't some omnipresent but unknowable Mother Goddess, (although this theory was hotly debated in the first quarter of 2002 in Aspen, at the "Gay Wiccan Shit And Other Stuff Crazy Bitches Are Into" conference. Sign up for the 2003 seminar , "Showing Off Their Clit Piercings: The Mind of Girls Gone Wild", seating is limited!) nor was it the exclusivity of being the sole bearers of life. It was something far more simple yet far more obvious: Beef.

The findings of what seems to be an extremely extensive study were published at "Cool To Be Real", a site dedicated to helping young girls understand their bodies and mind, and forcing them to eat more beef, the source of all their power. Exploring the site, you can find the following:

  • What's New? Section The site falsely claims that not much is new in the world of Girl Power, overlooking the forthcoming , among other things. But it does invite you to Send a C-Card! I'm sure the double meaning was lost on them for this, but they get an A for effort.
  • Keepin' It Real! This section is dedicated to a very important aspect of Girl Power: Keeping it real, in other words shunning the world of fantasy, which is why Bastion was a boy and you don't see many chicks doing Kabuki. On this part of the site, you're invited to take a poll: "What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?". The results of the poll, which has garnered 40,774 votes so far, show that Tacos are neck and neck with Subs, while steaks and burgers come in a distant third and fourth, respectively. Somehow, I don't see many 14 year olds tucking into Porterhouses while discussing the subtle nuances of J-Lo's performance in "Maid in Manhattan", but I must be an idiot. This section also boldly proclaims It's totally cool to feel good about yourself! which comes to a great relief to all goth and emo kids everywhere. Buck up! It's officially cool now!
  • The Real Friends section, which poses the question Who is a "real girl" hero? and compiles the answers:
    • My "real girl hero" is AAlyiah because she is so cool! I love you AAlyiah and I miss you.Why did you have to die and leave everyone??? - Brianna - Age: 10 (I believe it was because she and her crew decided they needed every single piece of luggage on their prop plane. But 10 year olds can't be expected to understand FAA weight restrictions, I guess.)
    • my girl hero is my mom because she runs around like mad and never stops I think amelia earhart rocks she was so brave and rosa parks was very heroic. girls rock - Sky - Age: 11 (The theme so far seems to be women that die in plane crashes. And this girl's name is Sky. Coincidence? I think not.)
    • About This Well I sure Do Like This Web site Keep It Up!!!! - Caylon (I guess she mistook this for the guest book. Oh well, no one said Girl Power had anything to do with intelligence)
    • Avril Lavigne is my "real girl" hero! She's not afraid to shout-it-out! She is TOTALLY original!! - Lexie - Age: 9 (What isn't original to a 9 year old? Menstruating is still new and original at 9.)
    • Carrie is my hero, she is always there for me no matter what. One time when my dad yelled at me, we talked on the phone. - Stephanie, Age 13 (...)
  • Finally, the Fun and Chat section. I didn't delve into this one too deeply because unlike Pete Townshend, I don't like my kiddie porn to leave a paper trail.

Lesson learned? Your amount of Girl Power is directly proportional to the amount of beef you eat. Oh, and misogyny is making a comeback.

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