Monday, April 28, 2003

I've finally made the move! Change your links! The New, Improved You Made Monkey

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

I haven't posted anything beyond a couple sentences in a while, and I have nothing to say right now because it is, after all, the ungodly hour of 8 am. I'd like to recap everything that I've meant to write down but haven't:
  • I have some great ways to start a story, but I'm far too lazy and far too out of practice to start writing again. Instead, I'll list the halfbaked first few sentences to stories I plan on writing one day, one about a Volcano God, the other something about alternate universes :
    1. The Volcano God was angry. This was not unusual for the Volcano God. It demanded the sacrifice of a virgin. This, too, was not unusual for the Volcano God. It was unusual, however, that the village below had run out of virgins. This angered the villagers far more than the Volcano God. Something had to be done and it wasn't going to be pretty.
    2. John woke to the nun's screams. His eyes blinked open wearily. There was a two foot tall nun screaming at the top of her lungs at the foot of his bed. Normally, this would have given him pause. However, his profound hangover helped him bypass any further thought about the presence of the screaming midget nun and he threw an empty beer bottle at it. He had only made half sure the nun had scurried back into the hole in the wall before he fell back asleep. Any day that begins with a screaming midget nun

  • I'm reading the fifth book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, which I've enjoyed thoroughly. Anyone who hasn't read it should, and anyone who has should check out the hilarious Discworld Series (start with The Color of Magic). I've also been burning through books on my Audible account. The book I've been most disappointed with was Cryptonomicon, a book so thoroughly embraced by the geek elite that I'm left wondering why it sucked so much. It oculd be that I listened to the "unabridged selections" recording (apparently the only 1000+ page book they're willing to sit there and read word for word are things like the History of the Peloponnesian War) but I think it most likely is because it was longwinded, it tried to hard, and overall, it failed. I squirmed uneasily at the forced metaphors. I sat through the incredibly unnecessary and boring subplots (some of the character weaving was interesting, but it helps if all the characters are interesting). Then I got to the ending. It was one of those endings where you go "What? That's it? That's the ending?!? What the fuck?". I hope someone can prove me wrong on this, but you probably won't get me to read the book again.

    I'm currently listening to The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis as read by John Cleese. I'll have to research this book after I'm done. It's a very funny book, helped by an extremely funny reading by John Cleese, but if Lewis believes even half the things he writes, he's a stark raving loony, and it infuriates me that anyone read this book and said "Yes, that's exactly how it is.".

  • A woman at my office is leaving on Friday. She listens to a soft rock station and every day, like clockwork, the song "Time After Time" comes on. As of this Monday, I will no longer hear "Time After Time" every day. My fear is that I will hear it. In my head.

  • That is all.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Who Made Steve Guttenberg a Star? Does your Senator belong to a frighteningly secretive cult? According to this incredibly scary article from Harper's, Yes. Yes, they do.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Movin' On Up Pt. 2 I had to pick up a few domain names for my job so while I was at it I picked up, so I'll be moving to there as soon as I learn HTML & PERL & plenty of other acronyms. Good thing I registered it for 2 years. I'll be sure to carve my name in the fireplace before I leave this place.

Friday, April 18, 2003

There's an atrocious commercial that airs late at night on the Cartoon Network. It's for an album called "Kidz Bop 3", and it's a compilation of all the kid-friendly pop songs from the past year. Just in case this isn't clear to you, "compilation of kid-friendly pop songs" means crap, and not just regular crap, the kind of crap that weighs heavily on the soul. The commercial itself has kids singing and dancing, their voices replacing those of Gwen "I Fucked The Guy From Bush to Get Here" Stefani and Sheryl "I Fucked Clapton To Get Here" Crow. The dance moves in the commercial range from doing backflips in front of a blue screen to a little girl dancing to Shakira in a way that would make Paula Poundstone pass out from the sheer number of orgasms. The following is the track listing of Kidz Bop 3. If you have owned, enjoyed, or just passively listened to this music without feeling intense hatred for yourself, then let me know so I can track you down and give you a free trip to the Chandra Levy Resort & Spa:
Disc: 1 1. Complicated              9. No Such Thing 2. Dilemma                   10. Heaven 3. Soak Up The Sun      11. A Thousand Miles 4. The Middle                12. Wherever You Will Go 5. Hey Baby                  13. I Need A Girl (part 1) 6. Family Affair            14. Wasting My Time 7. A Moment Like This 15. If I Could Go! 8. Alive Disc: 2 1. Don't Let Me Get Me        9. Hero 2. U Don't Have To Call      10. Can't Fight The Moonlight 3. Whenever, Wherever    11. Girlfriend 4. All You Wanted              12. Escape 5. Gotta Get Through This  13. A New Day Has Come 6. Happy                              14. Just A Friend 7. In The End                       15. Out Of My Heart (Into Your Head) 8. I'm Gonna Be Alright
Now, I've known for a while I will have to kill the Dynamite Diva for her sins, but I felt it was time to weed out the rest of you. To help you confess, please read the lyrics to "Hey Baby" by No Doubt. If that doesn't break you, you're beyond help.
Movin' On Up! I am now #10 in rank for "cock sucking contest", and I still believe the summary that accompanies it is among my best work. Keep linking to me and you'll get a share of the rewards when I reach the top. In other news, I still am only the 5th best source for Talespin Erotica on the web, which may force me to write another story. Also, someone from Poland came to my site looking for Masturbating Monkey Cock. The #1 site for this? I Am A Big Gay Cock Monkey's Homepage, which is accompanied by a picture that is hilariously disturbing. Be sure to check it out.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Rumsfeld to America: Look How Much We Own You
The U.S. military's search for chemical and biological weapons is unlikely to succeed until Iraqis lead American forces to them, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday. I don't think we'll discover anything, myself," Rumsfeld said at a town hall-style meeting with Pentagon (news - web sites) employees. "I think what will happen is we'll discover people who will tell us where to go find it. It is not like a treasure hunt where you just run around looking everywhere, hoping you find something."
So...let me get this straight. We went into Iraq because Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction or was a pussy hair away from making them. I may be wrong, but it's probably a safe bet to say that he didn't have them at hand, because the United States was trying to kill him every chance they got, and he failed to use them. We've taken Iraq, haven't found anything except a few suspicious canisters of pesticide. So we're waiting for Iraqis to lead us to the Weapons of Mass Destruction that he didn't use and we can't find? It's probably best we focus on that "We're Liberating the Iraqi People" spin that's been all the rage as of late. Look at the puppet! Over here! Puppet! Looky Look!
Eureka! I found my answer! According to this site, the size of the penis bone seems to relate directly to the mating habits of the animal that has it. Penis bones are generally bones that lay in wait inside the body until mating time, at which point they extend down into the penis and allow for long, slow loving that would make Sting jealous. The theory goes that an animal that doesn't live in social groups would have a larger penis bone, since encounters with females wouldn't occur as frequently as with animals that lived in close quarters. The long penis-boned loners will try to mate with the encountered female as long as possible in order to make sure that they'll be the father of its offsprings. Animals that live in social groups are surrounded by mates, and thus mating is more frequent and thus it's less necessary to mate for longer periods of time. The mating system that humans evolved allows the male to stick with a female for a lengthy period of time, ensuring that he's knocked her up. It's only recently that the all-night booty calls of yore have come back into fashion. The reason for the monogamy of humans seems to be the fact that it's near impossible to tell when a woman is fertile, even for the woman herself. So why do human males have gigunderous penises while the poor Silverback Gorilla averages 2 inches? The going theory is that when we decided bipedalism was the way to go, the length of the birth canal became important, and penis length grew due to sexual selection. I have to go do actual work now, but I leave you with: Racoon Penis Bones and their use in Dating in Texas
I Knew I Was Defined By My Enormous Penis! Still haven't found an answer as to why human males lost their penis bones (other than Starman didn't have one), but I did find this very interesting page that tries to define biologically what a human is. It's definitely worth reading. Yet more quotes: "In males, the human penis is by far longer than that of other primates (and this includes the much larger gorilla and orangutan). No one knows why it has evolved this exceptional length..." "Human females are characterized by their enlarged breasts, their copious menstrual flow, menopause, and by their not having a specific seasonal time of ovulation." It's heartwarming to know that men, when it comes down to it, are defined by their enormous penises and women by their gigantic breasts and extremely bloody vaginas.
Boldly Going Where No Fan Has Gone Before Only minutes after finding the religion of the High Tech Ancestors, I find an essay on the penises of Vulcans on "Star Trek" Some choice quotes: "Here's another of my pet peeves: why in heaven's name do so many Treksmutter's assume Captain Kirk is cut? I honestly think that by the 2200's circumcision will no longer be practiced. But I digress. " "Dare to dream: maybe Vulcans are too smart, too *logical* to ever start circumcising in the first place....Let's assume that they have a glans, and a shaft, and maybe even visible, hanging testicles. Why in the name of glory would they have two "ridges"? Maybe they wouldn't even have one. Maybe their glans is shaped differently. Maybe they don't even have a "shaft" -maybe the business end of their member is all glans. " Ah, I love the internet. Good to know that Leonard Nimoy is ribbed for my pleasure, though.
Aliens Came And Fucked The Monkey So I'm searching for a reason why humans don't have penis bones. It seems that every other land mammal has one, with the exception of hyenas. My personal and obviously highly incorrect theory is that this would be highly inconvenient in the world of bipedalism. I haven't found my answer yet, but I did find this: Part of the manifesto of a religion that believes we were spawned from an incredibly high-tech alien civilization which they may or may not have gotten from an episode of Ducktales. In it, they explain how man was created by the high tech asexual aliens in a "High Tech Womb" in the Garden of Eden, but when Man started fucking and fell to heinous "Heterosexual Body Birth", the aliens abandoned us and we remain on earth a mystery that defies explanation. A few choice quotes: "Medical men claim that the greatest single problem when the modern female is in childbirth is that of successfully passing the enormous head of the infant through the birth canal. Many primitive women must have died in childbirth while attempting to give birth to extraordinarily large-headed children...the answer becomingly clear here? That our big-brained star sires, by injecting their cranial genes into the Hominids on earth, thereby caused big-headed babies to be born, even though the earth females' reproductive apparatus has not "caught up"? If not, what other answer is there for this anatomical discrepancy, which evolutionary laws would decisively say cannot exist?" "Man was not ready to change their Society, and were against Jesus, so Jesus was given a regenerated body and was taken 'Alive' in a physical body, up into Space by our High Tech Ancestors, to their spaceship" "Hence, when Starman, without a penis bone, mated with early Hominid or 'Homo' females on earth, he genetically transmitted this same attribute to the hybrid human race that was to follow. - We seem exposed today to a vast unknown that man's mind has not yet encompassed. We are perhaps on the verge of the greatest revelations known in history. We may learn, soon perhaps, that we are only one tiny part of a Grand Family of humans stretching to the remotest star. Is so, it should be met with revel and joy to know that we are citizens not of one world, but of the great and wondrous universe. We rest our case. Mankind is a child of the stars." "It is Time to understand that, Heterosexual Body Birth was the Original Sin of the Asexual Colony of Adam and Eve, and that our HTA do have High Tech Eternal Physical Life on Planets and in spaceships. Jesus and our HTA will return for the Millennium and the Judgement Day of our Caretaking of our Home Planet. Nothing is more important to Physical Atom Life than Balanced Elements, Selfhood, Sharing, Equality and Peace. " For further information, watch Starman and listen to Dan Bern's " song "No Missing Link" I'll get back to you when I find out the real reason why humans don't have penis bones, but I'm sure the answer won't be as interesting as the above.
Are You More Chick or Dick? This article about the differences between the male and female brains is accompanied by tests that will measure your Empathy, dominant in the female brain, and your capacity for Systemizing, dominant in the male brain. Going into the test I figured I'd turn out far more womanly than manly, but here are the results: I'm on the high end of average as far as my manliness goes, scoring 38 on the Systemizing Quotient Test: 20-39 - You have an average ability for analysing and exploring a system. Systemizing is the drive to analyse and explore a system, to extract underlying rules that govern the behavior of a system, and the drive to construct systems. On average women score about 24 and men score about 30. As for my burgeoning young womanhood, I am at the exact average for men, 42, on the Empathy Quotient Test: 33-52 You have an average ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately. You know how to treat people with care and sensitivity. Most women score about 47, and most men about 42. Now that I think about it, I'd have to be the alpha male out of everyone I know. Which is pretty sad.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

It all started with Dragonball Z...or was it Cowboy Bebop? I'm sitting here listening to the soundtrack to Cowboy Bebop, which came in a limited edition box set of the series that cost a friend of mine almost $200.00 to buy for me, but now sells for around $40. On my Tivo at home sits episodes of Dragonball Z, Rorouni Kenshin and Inuyasha. I think I'm becoming an anime geek. But the worst kind of anime geek. There are anime geeks, the ones that revel in plant rape, that will scoff at you if you watch anything dubbed in english, who know what it means when a character has a myriad of wacky symbols in a thought bubble out of its head (no matter how serious the cartoon, there will be at least one scene where the character's head grows really big while it yells or has a snot bubble hanging out of its nose for any number of reasons), and will spend 40 hours building a replica Gundam Robot Thing. I am laughed at by this motley assortment of virgins and serial killers. The rest of society has decided that cartoons are silly, and thus anime is silly, which I can entirely understand. The vast majority of anime is either boring, incomprehensible, decidedly childish, and most frequently all three. So I have no excuse for liking what I do. I've come to the edge. Sitting in my room is a Netflix sleeve containing Akira. Akira, I believe, is the turning point in my nerddom. I sit comfortably on the fringe, but Akira is the looking glass, a point of no return. Soon I'll be writing Ranma 1/2 fan fic and arguing continuity in Hamtaro. There is no hope for me. Start recommending me shows.